porkosity

Dear, The Media: Shame, Deception & Wrong

2012-01-27T10:22:00.003-05:00

I try not to criticize other news organizations in public. But I am through with CITY TV, The Globe & Mail and the National Post. Having contacted their ombudsmen/public editors, the ball is in their court. They have until midnight.

TO: CITY TV

SUBJECT: Deceived

Does City TV have an ombudsman or public editor? Because a recent event, if not corrected, has done considerable damage to your institution's journalistic reputation.

While shovelling snow in front of my home, I was approached by a CITY TV reporter. When she asked my permission to appear on camera, I granted it, on the condition that I be identified as "Corey Mintz, local hero". She agreed. And yet the broadcast version of this story did not identify me as such.

I could have given that exclusive to someone else. There was a lot of interest in the "man shovels sidewalk" story. But I had respect for CITY TV. I thought you would tell this story with the dignity and thoroughness it deserved. Instead, I was lied to and my reputation was damaged by not being correctly identified as a man who, with no thought for his own benefit, cleared public property of dangerous snow and ice, all while adorably wearing snow pants with a matching turtleneck.

But one quality of a hero (and I'm not saying I'm a hero, even though a lot of people are), is forgiveness. I am willing to forgive, to not seek the reasonable legal action of having your license revoked, provided I receive a public, on-air apology, and that Gord Martineau comes to my home on the next snowfall, to shovel the sidewalk.

Thank you for your time. I await your reply.

You have until midnight.

Corey Mintz

Hero (or at least a lot of people are saying that)

...

TO: Globe & Mail public editor Sylvia Stead
SUBJECT: Wrong

Sylvia Stead,

I'm glad that the Globe finally has a public editor because someone needs to deal with the shameful mistake made by one of your reporters, Chris Nuttall-Smith.

On the micro-blogging site Twitter, he offered this statement, as an observation about the restaurant C5, in the ROM.

"Or they could just put in some lighting that doesn't make everybody look like Darth Sidious."

https://twitter.com/#!/cnutsmith/status/162561131611820032

Yes, the lighting in C5 is often too bright, and not flattering. But it is overhead light, from ceilings approximately 25 feet high. While the Star Wars character of Darth Sidious (or Emperor Palpatine, or simply, The Emperor) is often seen as very pale and unhealthy, he is lit from below, not above.

Despite the emotional damage inflicted by Mr. Nuttall-Smith's thoughtless comments, I am willing to forgo legal action. Though you might consider the damage he has done to your reputation among comic store employees and cosplay aficionados. I am willing to let the matter rest, provided I receive a public apology and a chocolate peanut-butter cake, baked by Mr. Nuttall-Smith, in the shape of Darth Vader.

Thank you for your time. I await your response.

You have until midnight.

Dr.-Prof. Corey Mintz

...

TO: National Post fashion editor Nathalie Atkinson
SUBJECT: Shame

Since the Post does not seem to have a public editor, I am contacting you, seeing as you once helped me to buy pajamas.

My wife and I have subscribed to the National Post for 32 years. Our favourite part of Saturday morning is reading the paper together. But after this latest blunder, we will be cancelling our subscription.

Having agreed to pose for a portrait by National Post illustrator Steven Murray, I was eagerly awaiting the results. What I saw horrified me.

See attached image:

Yes, his oil painting had captured my handsomeness, power, business acumen and all-around greatness. His understanding of shadow was evident in the display of light reflected from my wealthy head. But he failed to render the pattern on my herringbone jacket. Without the intricate series of lines, it looks like nothing more than an ordinary brown jacket. The casual observer can barely tell that it is made of saxon wool.

This false depiction has caused great damage to the reputation of my consulting firm, Mintzcorp. Against legal advise, I am willing to forgo a lawsuit, which you are sure to lose. I ask only that the National Post make a public apology, and that Mr. Murray be executed, in a manner of his own choosing, but by my hand.

Thank you for your time. Have a great weekend.

You have until midnight.

Govern yourself accordingly,

Corey Mintz

FED #115: The Video Director (Mike Juneau)

2012-01-26T00:40:00.002-05:00

Status: FED

· Smoked Eggplant Soup

· Goat Cheese ravioli + Beet/Horseradish Sauce + Parm (sneak some n’duja onto k-ron’s plate)

· Salad: Cabbage + Broccoli + Carrot + Onion + Vinegar (red & black) + Ginger

· Ptitm & Cheese

· Pie (that Karon Swanson brought)

Guest #115.1: Mike Juneau

Occupation: video director, DJ

Contributed: Live in Bellwoods tote bag

Sent thank-you: email

Guest #115.2: K-Ron Liu

Occupation: hero

Contributed: strawberry rhubarb pie, can of V-8, package of index cards, Maizena fortified corn starch beverage mix (some of these may have been office supplies)

Sent thank-you: An ecard (which I assume is some sort of retro thing)

Guest #115.3: Lisan Jutras

Occupation: murderer (She wears leather, which, as a vegan, I find reprehensible)

Contributed: Bonterra 2009 Cabernet Sauvignon

Sent thank-you: email

Guest #115.4: Robyn Doolittle

Occupation: figure skater, Ford hound

Contributed: gossip and copy of Eating Animals, by Jonathan Safran Foer (another hilarious, ironic retro thing)

I know this week's column rips on Mike pretty hard. But I really do like this video.

JUNEAU

It was really easy. Trained dogs. We hired one trainer. She provided all the dogs. They were comfortable working together and already had their pack mentality. When I first envisioned it I wanted a bunch of different dogs. But then when I hired this trainer she was like, ‘We can only have dogs in this pack. Otherwise we’ll lose control.’ We had triplet dogs, which kind of bugged me every time I watched. Because there’s not enough variety. And I’m sure other people noticed too. I wish there was more variety of dogs. If I could have a dog pool party every summer, I would. Just seeing how much fun the dogs were having. They were jumping in, sitting around, jumping around again, chasing after the ball. They were really having fun.

Tiny piece of n'duja, meat hidden at the bottom of my bowl and Karon's bowl.

So Robyn, who has been a vegetarian for all of six weeks ...

... actually brought me a copy of vegetarian propaganda. Previous friends had given this to me after reading it and becoming vegetarians for negative 10 minutes.

DOOLITTLE
You know what? Bean meatballs are not bad at all.

JUNEAU
I totally believe you.

DOOLITTLE
You throw some tomato sauce on those things, you wouldn’t even notice the difference. But can I say one thing that I’m super excited about? Textured. Vegetable. Protein. Tacos. Unbelievable. It tastes just like tacos. You would not even notice the difference.

MINTZ
I’ve got you on tape saying this shit.

DOOLITTLE
You can quote me on that.

It should be noted that, in addition to bringing the junk from his desk, K-Ron showed up in the afternoon with a pie, on a day that was like 20 below and snowing, and in response to a last minute request from me. #hero

Date of publication: Saturday, January 28th, 2012

The Diet (aka Skinny ___hole loses weight, brags about it)

2012-01-23T10:27:00.001-05:00

From saving money, to expanding transportation, to dieting, there is very little that the mayor of Toronto can’t promise to do. On January 16^th he committed to losing 50 pounds in six months, or 15 percent of his 330 pounds. In the hopes that it might help Rob Ford, or any other mayors, I would like to share the story of how I recently battled with my own weight.

When I was 15 I ate cookies by the bag.

“Well, I don’t think you have an eating disorder,” the doctor told me, allaying my parent’s fears. Concluding that an incredible metabolism was responsible for my inability to gain weight, he prescribed that I switch from two percent milk to homogenized.

When I was 20 I ate candy bars.

Shuffling to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I’d have a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup from a drawer full of candy. At my full height of 5’7, weighing 120 pounds, I still fit into the size 28 pants from bar mitzvah suit. Grownups warned me, “This will not last.” Greasy diner breakfast homefries and sugary pad thai takeout were staples of my diet.

When I was 25 I ate bread.

Having discovered the world of real food, but learned nothing of its intricacies, I latched onto the challah at Harbord Bakery, tearing through half a loaf every day. I finally broke 130 pounds, placing me in the healthy zone of the body mass index.

INTERLUDE: On my 26^th birthday, I broke out in hives. In time, it was revealed to be an emerging allergy to raw bananas. But it was also a diversion, a clever tactic by my body to draw attention away from its betrayal. In reverse-Samson order, my super metabolism was gone, to be followed by my hair.

When I was 30, I ate Italian.

Cooking at Luce, a fancy Italian restaurant, I discovered braised pork belly, confit everything and hand made pastas. At $400 for a 60-hour workweek, the job kept me on my feet, active and poor. These factors kept me thin. Little suspecting that the loss of my super powers spelled doom for my body, a jar of Nutella and a spoon still sat by my bed.

When I was 35, I ate everything.

Two years as a restaurant critic and two years writing a column about hosting dinners, put 30 pounds on my frame, almost all of it in my midsection. The junk food of the past was replaced by an orgy of luxurious indulgence: tasting menus, foie popsicles, professional marathons of pizza, burritos or ice cream. Gone was the gaunt face of a drug addict, replaced by a sack of flour strapped to my stomach.

If I continued this behavior for another decade, a doctor would tell me, “Mr. Mintz, you need to make some changes before you have a heart attack.”

One night I confessed to a friend how I felt bad about my pork belly belly and that I was ready to do something about it.

“How do you feel about going to the gym?” she asked with all the tenderness of a prenup discussion. I told her I would do whatever it took, that I had three goals:

1. For my stomach to go from convex to concave.

2. To feel better, physically and emotionally.

3. While weight wasn’t super important, I had climbed to 163 pounds and wanted to lose 10, having estimated my gut to be the size of a brisket.

She prescribed three gym visits a week, where I was to get 30 minutes of cardio. I agreed. She further dictated that I was to cut down on sweets, processed flour, meat and bourbon. The first two I said no problem, already done. Hearing the second two, I threatened to stab her in the teeth.

I quickly grew accustomed to exercise, even looked forward to it some days. Eating vegetables made me miserable (and I blamed her even though I understood she was helping me).

The breakthrough came when I sat down to watch the season premiere of Boardwalk Empire. Time to make myself a treat, I thought. It occurred to me that I was taking every pleasurable daily occurrence as excuse to indulge, the way we do at Christmas.

“Not every day is Christmas,” became my new mantra. And Christmas should not be a two-month spree of cookies and eggnog. It is 48 hours, tops.

Most days, my lunch and dinner is a pound of broccoli, brussels sprouts or rapini, with maybe an ounce of pork as garnish. My weekly dinner parties are still jammed with fat and meat. I indulge in my favourite restaurant once a week, ordering whatever I want. And I never pass up a friendly invitation to eat tacos or hamburgers. When we’re out, I don’t annoy friends by counting calories or ordering salads. Because I always have a good meal to look forward to, daily austerity never seems a burden.

This week I weighed in at 148 pounds. In the same amount of time that I lost 15 pounds, our mayor hopes to lose 50. I believe in him. I also believe that, like him, I can build a subway this year with nothing but private funding.

Proof: This really did run in the paper.

The Chairs

2012-01-22T10:24:00.002-05:00

Having been told that I would spend more on chairs than I did on my new table, I was prepared for the worst. But then Jen took me shopping and I somehow managed to buy 8 chairs for less than the expected $250,000. Here are some of the chairs we looked at.

If my living/dining room were a 300 sq/ft open space, I might have these chairs.

If I weren't shopping with a grown-up, I may have spent more time deliberating over the use of toy cars as dining chairs.

Could've found a set.

And then there were these Eames chairs. They were beautiful, reasonably priced and perennially in good taste, if a little wide for the table.

But they were also hella scuffed up. Jen got super-excited about these. And I felt that the surface damage might have worked, in a different home, or if I didn't already have a table of reclaimed wood. But It just wasn't a match.

I ain't like this chair. It makes me think of Edward James Olmos playing Iron Man. They have them at Dark Horse, on Spadina, where they look good in the big open space.

I ain't like this chair neither.

And as previously mentioned, grown-ups cannot use children's furniture, not matter HOW cute.

Now this I like. The Emeco chair, in plastic or metal.

Oh, the metal version, which is stunning, comfortable and light, is $600. I am not shilling out $4,800 of my hard-inherited money on a thing that people put their bums on.

Bullseye.

So long, $10 Ikea chairs that collapsed under the weight of Clay Ruby. On student row, these were gone in less than an hour.

A few days later, they showed up in big boxes.

Actually, I've got five of the eight so far.

You're going to be seeing more of these chairs. So get used to them.

FED #114: The Dinner For One

2012-01-18T12:36:00.009-05:00

I’m very happy with this week’s column. Thank you to Lily Cho, for suggesting the idea, Christine Loureiro, for letting me write it and Deborah Dundas for working through two line additions that shifted the entire tone.

I was hoping to say something honest about cooking for one, without being depressing. Hopefully I got there. Here is an earlier draft. For me it highlights that, if a meal with myself produces 1900 words, it is always challenging to write 750 word column about dinner with much more interesting people. Though I think that it more accurately illustrates the power of editing, how less can be more. It's a good lesson for writers who don't have anyone telling them when to stop. So I would ask your generosity in reading this. It has the distinction of being the only column I've written during the actual dinner.

Status: FED

· Beef & Broccoli Tartare

· Pappardelle Carbonara

· The Count of Chocu-Cristo (french toast Nutella sandwich)

Guest #114.1: Cornelius P. von Mintzburg

Occupation: Parenting expert, bum model, Dr. Professor, paragon of virtue, dry-snitch, hero

Contributed: McLaren Vale 2007 Shiraz, clearly regifted

Sent thank-you: still waiting on it.

Standing on Baldwin Street, in between the butcher shop and the fish shop, tempted to flip a coin to choose between beef and tuna. In the end, I remember what a fuss my fish monger makes when I ask for a three-ounce, single-serving sized portion. And I just want enough to make tartare for one.

The butcher selects a microscopic piece of beef tenderloin for me. “Not that one,” I say, motioning toward the window display, “the smaller one.”

At home, the roommate and her boyfriend see the lit candles on the dining table. “Who’s coming over tonight?” she asks. No one, I tell her.

Tonight I’m going to make myself a nice meal, the sort we never do, because we rarely treat ourselves with as much care as reserve for others. So we should not neglect ourselves.

Sure, I eat well. Once a week, for this column I host a dinner. Usually there are a half-dozen guests, most of them strangers, to whom I serve three or four courses of food. Occasionally friends will invite me over for dinner. These invitations multiply when you’re in a relationship and dwindle when you’re not. It’s not through any malice. It’s just that, well, people have an even number of chairs and all the rest of their friends are couples and they don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, being the only single person. We differ in that they believe couplehood to be the normal order, where I would say that being alone is the natural state of human existence, that the moments we share with other people are the anomalies.

At least once a week I go out to one of my two favourite restaurants. Sometimes it’s to meet friends. Just as often it’s to dine alone.

Eating at the bar can be great, particularly when you’re traveling, as a helpful bartender may impart all sorts of insider information to improve your trip.

But at my regular spots, even though I know the staff and like talking to them, I feel guilty if they feel the need to entertain me. That’s why I brought a book. I’d be just as happy at a quiet table. But then I’d feel more guilty, taking up a deuce in a busy restaurant. Invariably I will bump into people I know. If they are generous they might invite me to join them. It’s always a thoughtful, appreciated gesture. But it’s about 5 percent of the time that they are someone I want to have dinner with. If we’d wanted to spend time together, we would have made plans.

Still, it is nice to go out and treat one’s self. At home it’s difficult to muster the focus. It’s easy enough to indulge, to eat an entire bag of potato chips, tub of chocolate ice cream or microwavable lasagna. But that’s not the same as the indulgence of care.

The most difficult part of cooking for one is portioning. Most solos people will cook a meal for two, eat half and have a lunch for the next day. That’s what I’d normally do. But tonight is an experiment — to cook for myself the way I would cook for guests.

At home, sometimes I’m testing a recipe or there are leftovers from the previous night’s fancy meal. But mostly, when I’m not entertaining, the average meal is a pile of broccoli or rapini or brussels sprouts. There might be onions, garlic, ginger or chilies. There may be some nutrient-rich grain, barley or quinoa. But whatever the combination, it will be eaten out of a big bowl, shoveled into my mouth with fork, spoon or chopsticks, while I watch Stephen Colbert. On my blog, I’ve been making weekly entries of things that I’m cooking. But as I continue to make more healthy choices, ATE has largely become sad photos of green vegetables, a catalogue of utility.

Unplanned tonight, I have two Liz Lemon moments. First, I end up on hold with Porter Airlines customer service for half an hour, the repeated recoding of “your call is important to us” becoming my uninvited dinner guest. Second, I nearly choke on a wedge of broccoli and question if I could give myself the Heimlich maneuver.

On the average night, around 7 p.m., I’ll pour myself a bourbon.

Tonight I start by opening a bottle of wine. The Sharpee initials on the back a McLaren Vale 2007 Shiraz denote the high school friend who’d put it on my shelf two years ago. I realize she’d bought it because it had her name on the bottle.

No, I should make myself a cocktail. I separate the egg yolks for a carbonara I’ll make later (After rolling out and freezing 16 servings of pappardelle yesterday, I deserve some), then start to assemble a bourbon sour with the whites.

As I shake the whites into a froth, I remember that there’s a party tonight. I’d written a profile about a fellow and he’d invited me to a big event with tacos. But there will also be a crowd. Many of them dislike me as much as I dislike them.

A friend calls, an ex-girlfriend. She’s pregnant and wants to talk about me, my parents, her parents, careers, restaurants, anything but the baby. I kick my feet up on the sofa.

Have I been dating, she wants to know. Married people like dating stories the way that vampires like an uncovered neck. Hearing that you’re not seeing anyone is garlic to them; your happiness is sunlight and the very concept of being contented with solitude is a stake through their heart. They can imagine not being married because it affords the fantasy of more sex and with different partners. But visualizing the absence of their life partner, minus the orgiastic payoff, is eternal damnation to them.

After half an hour we say our goodbyes. I see that my cocktail has been drained.

As I chop up the beef and thinly slice the broccoli for a spicy tartare, I put on a movie, The Conversation, one of my favourites. Despite a lot of plot about Gene Hackman being a surveillance expert, it’s a story about a guy who is conflicted with himself over his ability to be solitary. The score, comprised mostly of David Shire’s repetitive piano melody, is a fixture of my writing mix, a collection of music that helps me to tune out ambient noise —the library, a café, the AGO, my neighbours — to help me synthesize the sense of alienation that is sometimes necessary to squeeze out a thought.

There’s no one here to trade stories with. The tartare, a bright ruby of beef (and n’duja) sitting on top of lush green strips of broccoli, is eaten quickly. I remind myself to pause between bites, to pour a glass of wine.

It feels like a lot of food. Though I normally serve many courses, it would be over a long evening, spaced out with conversation and wine. I question if I’ll have an appetite for pasta and then dessert.

Once, while interviewing Ferran Adria, I’d asked if dining wasn’t an essentially social act. The El Bulli chef, waving his hands and speaking through an interpreter, had said that he routinely sits down for a 35-course meal in his own restaurant, by himself.

I don’t know if I could do that. But it does make me feel better about how late it’s gotten. I’d intended to start cooking at 7 p.m, actually started cooking by 8 and only started eating the first course at 10.

When we cook for ourselves, there is no deadline, no penalty for not being ready at 7 p.m., when guests arrive. So we tend to put it off, return another email, watch another Law & Order episode. And before we know it, it’s 10 o’clock. If I don’t start moving, I won’t make it through my menu.

As the guanciale slowly crisps in the pan I drain another glass of wine. After the pappardelle has cooked for exactly four minutes, I taste one, then strain the rest and toss them into the pan with the pork fat and noodles rolling around each other.

Removing the pan from the heat, I add the yolks, using my wrist to rock it gently. The contents swirl, earning a glossy yellow coat. My eyes, lost in the noodles, which are now slightly reflective, lose focus.

I’m a little drunk.

Or at least, I’m more intoxicated than I would be if I were hosting. If there were people here, to serve, to entertain, to listen to and observe, to make notes about for later, I would have some measure of my own lucidity. Dinner guests will bounce your drunkenness back toward you with the acuity of sonar.

The bowl of carbonara is set down on the long table, next to the only napkin and cutlery place setting.

Alone with the pasta and the movie, there is no distraction from the voluptuous feel of the broad noodles, slick with egg and pork fat. The Shiraz, feeble on its own, like a glass of warm jam, is now finding its voice as a backdrop against the rich starch. Instead of using the tissue in my pocket, I use a proper napkin to wipe the egg from my lips.

I feel like Scrooge McDuck, swimming in his fountain of gold coins.

If I could have any dessert, no effort spared, it would still be Nutella spooned directly from the jar. So I compromise with a double-layered french toast filled with Nutella, which I’ve dubbed the Count of Chocu-Cristo.

Once it’s in the pan, the smell of cinnamon and chocolate fill the room. I’d love a cup of coffee. But it’s midnight. As a nod to restraint, I don’t pour maple syrup over the french toast, which I gobble up as the movie ends, Gene Hackman having been driven mad by the mistake of getting involved in the lives of others. This is the fate of asocial protagonists, from Drive to every Michael Mann movie. Confident isolationists always pay a terrible price for the sin of empathy.

I don’t think that I would enjoy this meal any more if I were with someone. A couple nights ago I went for a terrible Chinese meal with friends. It didn’t matter that the food was bad because the company was good. The saddest thing would be to eat bad food, alone. But I don’t think we’re missing anything to eat a good meal by ourselves.

There’s a line in Out of the Past with Robert Mitchum, where he tells Jane Greer, “Nothing in the world is any good unless you can share it.”

I think the line, like the sentiment, is another con, a deceit to keep us from facing how alone we are. We are taught to see the word “alone” as a negative, synonymous with lonely. From the rom-com prism of couplehood, being alone is rarely synonymous with solitary or independent. Yes, experiences can seem better, perhaps magnified is more accurate, when we share them. But it’s just a diversion from the truth, that the time we spend with people, good or bad, is only a pause between the consistent, inescapable relationship we have with ourselves; one we had better grow comfortable with.

Date of publication: Saturday, December 21^st, 2012

If you enjoyed this column, you must read this wonderful piece by Doug Saunders, about dining alone in Paris.

The column seems to have struck a nerve. Already I’m overwhelmed by the positive feedback. Here are some of the responses I got.

Really enjoyed your article. Thanks for that!

I find myself pondering the same thing sometimes, being alone in the 'big city'... but you helped to make it feel more comfortable to be alone.

Thank you for that! I also enjoy taking the time to make myself a nice dinner and some vino, but don't do it enough I don't think.

Erin

Dear Corey,

Peanut butter on toast. Eggs. Canned this and frozen that.

Thank you for your beautiful perspective on singledom.

I used to love cooking when I had someone or people to cook for, but I've been on my own for 8 years now and I find it depressing. Your article has inspired me to invite myself back into the kitchen for me.

Thank you so much,

Paula Wolfson

Mr. Mintz,

I wanted to say how much a truly enjoyed this particular article of yours. I could not agree with you more. More often than not I find myself in unknown cities for work, eating alone. Initially I found this somewhat embarrassing and humbling. After years of this I came to realize how much I enjoyed it more so than dining with others. I am able to choose the type of cuisine and location with no negotiation, able to indulge without worry and experiment without financial concern. I’ve tried some of the most interesting dishes on my own and had some of the largest bills for a single diner (luckily not too often or my employment would have been short). Over the course of this I’ve come to realize as well how much I prefer this to dining with others. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy good company but too often it over shadows good food.

I believe you’re 100% accurate in your description of the word “alone” too often mistaken as negative. Ironically the older we get the more likely we are to exclude and remove people from our lives, de-friending our Facebook friends and limiting our close circle. Your article I think truly reflects the realities of human nature and the incongruent message we get from society that being alone is wrong.

Your article was articulate and spoke to me on a very personal level.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

David Shahid

Great article! Living alone I do the same with rapini, brussel sprouts etc.

And cook nice meals for myself as well.

The spoonful (or two) of Nutella made me laugh out loud, because I do the same thing!

After a nice meal, I make Nutella (or peanut butter) my dessert!

I always enjoy your articles but this one made me feel like you were spying on me!

Your words weren't just about cooking for one.

Thank you from someone who enjoys her own company during dinner.

Carla Onorato

Corey

Love your column.

Yes I totally agree, sometimes being with only "me" is great.

I love my family and friends, but when everyone is gone I love to spoil myself with a great meal, and yes I love to cook for others.

Keep up the great stuff

enjoyed your column in the Star!

I've made myself tons of sumptuous candle-lit dinners too; not to mention some rather spectacular (high fat!) breakfasts. I used to feel guilty. No more.

It's a form of self-love, of course, and self-nurture. Also good practice for when a guest, or guests, are present.

Hope your room-mate appreciates what you do for yourself, and her good luck having you around!

Charles

I found your recent piece on eating alone fascinating. As silly as comments about introspection and existentialist quandaries may seem coming from an eighteen year old, I really enjoyed your use of food as a mechanism for trying to understand, and accept, ourselves.

Zane Schwartz

I loved your article on "Eating alone - a recipe for getting to know ourselves better." I felt like it spoke to me, since I live on my own and regularly make scrumptious meals for others, yet I don't give myself the same attention.

Your description of the food you were making also had my mouth watering. It was very well written. Your honesty made it even better ("I'm a little drunk." I couldn't help but laugh when I read that).

I also checked out your pictures and I have to say your meal looks delicious! I was wondering if you were sharing your recipes anywhere? I'd love to try your meal out myself!

Thanks and keep writing!

Cheers,

Alexandra

I am quite happy dining out alone and traveling alone. I had to write to say I never thought adding to that 'The Conversation'. I had a week alone once, renting a flat in Amsterdam with a fireplace and a good book and yummy foods from a daily market. Only thing missing was a DVD of 'The Conversation', which is a masterpiece I haven't watched for years. Thanks for the idea.

Shelley Carroll

Loved your article today. Totally guilty of eating crap when I’m alone. Need the kick in the pants to cook a delicious meal for myself.

Netta

Very nice piece, Corey. And true.

Salut,

Lynda Hurst

Loved your article about eating alone. So VERY true!!!
You have inspired me to actually cook myself a proper meal this evening!!!

Thanks for your column,

Vicky Brown

You ain't nobody till TL tells me the five things they learned from your column.

Kudos.

NAME REDACTED

Just to thank you for your latest column... on eating alone.

I never make New Years' Resolutions, but this year I made two, and prompty forgot one; your column reminded me what the other one was!

I have been living alone far too long...not that I mind my own company, but I have always said it is better to share experiences.

Nevertheless, I cook for myself almost every day and I sometimes even go to the trouble of making an entire cake... just for me. So that part of your cooumn was nothing new.

Having moved recently to Malta where I know very few people, I've been waiting for friends to visit before going to do the tourist things... but Malta isn't exactly on the main tourist routes, unless you are on a cruise ship perhaps...

So what was my New Year's resolution that you reminded me of?

No to wait for friends...to go out to the museums, the galleries etc by myself if necessary. Then I'll know better which ones to take the visitors to - and in the meantime I'm looking after myself.

And if I see the galleries etc again another time...well, I'm sure there will always be something I didn't notice on the previous visit;

So thanks... and bon appétit! :0)

Ken Cowan

Hi Corey,

I just finished reading your article on eating alone on the Toronto Star website and I couldn't agree with you more.

I have an active social life with my group of friends, people I couldn't live without, I have a wonderful partner and I love her with all my heart, and I have my family, with whom some I get along with better than others.

I live by myself, and despite having such a vibrant social life, I crave and savor every second I can spend alone in my bachelor apartment. I'm a university student and musician, and the alone time gives me time to think and enjoy life on my terms, plus work on my projects. But pls don't get me wrong, I love all the people around me!

Even when I travel, I like to do it alone, no matter how many ppl beg me to let them come. I can then do as I please, when I please, and how ever long I please, without hearing complaints that will ruin my experiences.

I hope that other people will read your article and try to focus on themselves. A very good job indeed!

Regards,

Trevor

I read you routinely and with great enjoyment (not to mention inspiration) but your column on the joy of solo dining is a masteriece . . .

Cheers

Nick (that's Nick Freaking Van Rijn)

I am a regular reader of your food column and enjoy hearing about the people you entertain as well as what you cook for them. However, I really related to today’s column. For many years, I worked and then would come home to cook dinner for my husband who pretty well ate whatever I put in front of him. Then, 6 years ago, my husband passed away and I retired and I basically started eating microwave stuff or junk. However, lately, every once in a while, I do cook a nice meal for myself. I recognized the parts in your piece about watching another “Law and Order” episode, answering email and drinking wine! When I used to travel on business, I used to relish having a nice restaurant meal by myself. Nothing wrong with that.

Thanks for your column.

Barb

...

And then there were dozens of really nice compliments on The Twitter, including a number of people who started sharing their solo dinner menus.

And at just the right moment, a friend, with whom I’d recently been discussing the value of recognition and approval, asked how it felt. It was very timely. The answer is that if feels very nice when it happens. And maybe if I were a better or smarter writer it would happen more often. It’s a treat to have people not just enjoy your work, but to tell you that it touched them in a meaningful way. But still, it’s up to us to work as hard in a vacuum of compliments, to wake up every morning and motivate ourselves to be productive and creative.

The lesson that I want to take from that moment, is to remember how much others appreciate recognition. Being told that you’re doing a good job can pour a whole lot of Nutella into your engine’s work-sacks (that is my understanding of human physiology). My mission for today is to find three people who are doing a great job and to tell them so.

ATE: The Count of Chocu-Cristo

2012-01-15T21:32:00.001-05:00

This is a dish that Francisco Alejandri calls white chalupa. It's a cucumber with onions, tons of lime, vinegar, vinegar and cheese. It's simple and cheap to make. Make it NOW.

If you stop to document every part of the ravioli making process, your dough will dry out, crack and be unusable for ravioli. Obvs.

If I roll out a pound of pasta, I'm eating the scraps. So shut your damn mouth.

Sick of fancy cookbooks that you wouldn't actually cook from? Bro, we got you covered.

Beth came over to eat Nutella and watch 30 Rock and we did just that.

This is one of Beth's "spoonfuls".

Every six months she comes over to catch up. So far she is still not finished the first season. What a Lutz.

When I'm not chugging Nutella, I'm making salads of broccoli, cabbage and carrot. I'm happy to say that this was one of ("one of", mind you) the best things I ate this week.

Beef & broccoli tartare. Now that I look at this, it was a lot of food.

Carbonara, getting egged in the pan.

This was part of my "cooking for one" Fed column that I did not intend to be depressing at all. But this photo says otherwise.

But whatevs. It lead to the creation of the Count of Chocu-Cristo, a french toast Nutella sandwich. So suck it, married people.

FED #113: The Boss of All Books (City Librarian Jane Pyper)

2012-01-11T22:17:00.004-05:00

Status: FED

· Rillettes + Salad + Bread + Lentil/Beet/Sausage Salad

· Spaghetti Squash Carbonara: roast squash, poached duck egg, guanciale & jus

· Cassoulet

· Turtles by Zach

Had to do something with eggs as there were three types in my fridge: regular, duck and back-yard

This dinner took place on November 25^th. So if people sent me thank-you cards (which Lily Cho and Hannah Sung are known to do), they are already filed in my archives, which open only for a Goldsbie freedom of information request.

Guest #: Jane Pyper

Occupation: City Librarian for Toronto Public Libraries

Contributed: Thirty Bench 2010 Riesling, Tawse 2009 Cabernet Merlot

Guest #: Vickery Bowles

Occupation: Head of collections for Toronto Public Libraries

Contributed: see above

Guest #: Hannah Sung

Occupation: Mother

Contributed: Corner Creek bourbon (fast becoming one of my favourite bourbons)

Guest #: Lily Cho

Occupation: Mother to be, of my godson, occasional professor

Contributed: Henry of Pelham 2009 Cabernet Merlot

Guest #: Zachary Green

Occupation: Baker, marathon runner, constitutional champion

Contributed: Turtles! He made turtles!

CITY LIBRARIAN: BOSS OF BOOKS

CHO
What’s it like to be in the press all the time as a librarian? Is this what you signed up for when you got your official librarian status?

PYPER
No. It isn’t.

CHO
Because it’s pretty public.

PYPER
It is very public.

CHO
It’s very political.

PYPER
It’s probably, in my long career, the most public conversation about public libraries, I’ve ever experienced.

BOWLES
Which is great.

PYPER
Which is great.

CHO
Did you expect it? Or did it come out of the blue?

PYPER
Uhm, “did I expect it?”

CHO
Did you mastermind the whole thing?

PYPER
No. I don’t think I expect its strength and its power.

BOWLES
Certainly after we amalgamated, the library, in 1998, all the sudden, the profile of the library became much bigger.

CHO
But the library is also the new de facto community centre. So it became clear that people needed it more than just books. They needed all this stuff that the library offers.

PYPER
Yeah, one of the things we talk about is that libraries are about books. But if you listen to the public conversation, all the deputation has referred, and all the testimony, people just talk about its meaning to their lives. And it’s much broader than that. It’s about computers and it’s about technology, community, public space. It’s about opportunity, and education. We haven’t told that story. They’ve told that story by just talking about what the library means to them. Which has been very heartening.

WHO SHUSHES THE SHUSHERS?

MINTZ
I’m at the library every week.

PYPER
Which one? Lilian?

MINTZ
Lilian. I work there.

BOWLES
It’s a beautiful space.

PYPER
Lovely.

MINTZ
Gorgeous. I go up to the fourth floor, the VIP room.

PYPER
We’ll put your name up there. “Corey Mintz VIP Room.”

CHO
You have no idea, if the shirt didn’t already tell you.

MINTZ
You’ll talk to that guy in the corner office about the yackety-yak on the phone, given that he is attendant to the reading room, the VIP room.

PYPER
I’ll make a note. Too much yackety-yak?

MINTZ
(brushes hands clean) My job’s done. That’s all I wanted.

CHO
You are a rat.

MINTZ
I did say something already.

PYPER
How did that go?

MINTZ
Well I was nervous. Because I …

PYPER
Negotiating public space is always tricky.

MINTZ
Here’s how it went down. I’m in the reading room. I’ll go on a Monday morning to do my transcription with my headphones on. There are always other people there. They’re usually quiet. The guy in the corner office is on his phone and he’s really talking loudly. And I thought, can you shush a librarian?

PYPER
The answer is no.

MINTZ
No? Because the internet said otherwise.

PYPER
Did it?

CHO
You looked it up?

MINTZ
I tweeted it. I tweeted that question.

GREEN
Who shushes the librarian? That’s the question.

MINTZ
Several people got back to me, including, I think, a librarian or two.

PYPER
Is he actually a librarian or is he our settlement worker?

MINTZ
I do not know the gentleman’s title.

CHO
Ok, but for the layperson, anyone working in a library is a librarian.

PYPER
That’ll be the next public conversation.

MINTZ
Well the word that came back was, “absolutely, you should go and tell another librarian.”

PYPER
Did you?

MINTZ
I did. I tried to use my least-snitchy voice.

CHO
That must have been hard.

MINTZ
It was. Because I was definitely ratting this guy out. I went to someone who sees me on a weekly basis, enough to say hello. And I said (whispering), ‘I don’t know if this is acceptable for me to say, but the reading room, to my understanding, is a quiet space.’

GREEN
That’s your least snitchy voice?

PYPER
Commentary welcome.

MINTZ
Well I didn’t have a toothpick in my mouth, shifting back and forth.

CHO
So what happened?

PYPER
Yeah, what did she say?

MINTZ
She said something like, (whispering) “You’re not the first person to say something about that”.

PYPER
Well that’s good. Active listening.

MINTZ

And she said she’d look into it. And I think later that day, another librarian came to tell me that something would be done about it.

PYPER

Something can be done or something will be done?

MINTZ

Something had been done.

GREEN
The Star gets action.

PYPER
So that was when?

MINTZ
This would have been a few months ago.

PYPER
And what is the outcome?

MINTZ
I have not heard a peep from him. But I have since been emboldened to have shushed some other people.

PYPER
You’re like a shusher gone wild.

MINTZ
And I want you to understand that this goes in stark contrast to my regular attitude, which is, I am not saying anything because I don’t want to get stabbed.

PYPER
Right. In the Lilian H. Smith reading room.

MINTZ
Well, in movie theatres I’m thinking of. I’m new to the libraries. I know the movie scene and in the movie scene I feel like there are always people talking and on they’re on their phones and it’s very frustrating and they’re diminishing your …

PYPER
Here’s what I want you to do Corey. I know it’s around the corner. But you should do a library tour. Do your transcript at the reference library. It’s a beautiful space.

MINTZ
It’s gorgeous. It’s a schlep though.

PYPER
I know. Schleps are good.

MINTZ
Schleps are good. But …

CHO
Isn’t this your era of working out and fitness?

MINTZ
But. But. I love working at the library.

CHO
Yes?

MINTZ
But I like going to the bathroom at home.

EVERYONE.

AHHHH.

CHO
I understand that.

PYPER
Maybe if we got you a staff key.

MINTZ
Hey-Oh!

PYPER
There are almost no perks to the library. But that’s one of them.

MINTZ
Now I feel good about putting some effort into this meal.

It may seem from this transcription that Hannah didn't say anything. She did, plenty, when we discussed children's books. But I didn't transcribe that part because I was more interested in bathroom talk.

PUBLIC VS ACADEMIC LIBRARIES

CHO

The librarians of the university are in this moment where they’re juggling the very visible part of their work and the really urgent demands of the invisible, or the less visible, parts of their work. And they’re under a lot of pressure because, at least the professoriate has a long history of doing invisible, obscure work. People still get down on them about it, but it’s slightly less …

BOWLES
Let’s say public librarians and academic librarians have different orientations, don’t you think?

PYPER
Absolutely.

CHO
Yeah. What do you think the biggest difference is?

PYPER
Public libraries are about, they’re oriented towards community and the broad public —kids, adults, seniors — connecting them with what they want, whether that’s a book or a program or a place to study. It’s much more focused on that connection.

CHO
So in order to be a public librarian, would and MLIS degree even make sense?

PYPER
Well you’d have to have it. but I think the big complaint, they say the big complaint is, that it’s not very well suited, to public libraries, as we would like it to be. So it’s more suited to this justification of the professionalization of the degree, than it is to what we want people to come out with.

CHO
Interesting. And is there any kind of conversation between public libraries and MLIS programs?

PYPER
Yes. Come in this month. A new dean. But you know, academic settings — I’m not telling you anything — are driven by demand and commercial. They’re also interested in who’s hiring what they’re training for. And plus, I think that they suffer from that “it’s not really a profession unless we make it more rigorous” kind of …

CHO
Right. Law school.

PYPER
Feeling. So they have more of the things you’ve identified. Where as we’d probably like it to have more about communicating with people and community development, children’s librarianship and understanding about connecting books with young readers.

CHO
Or non-English readers.

PYPER
Absolutely.

BOWLES
And a broad understanding of classic literature.

CHO
Do you think the issue then, is that public libraries aren’t necessarily going to be the biggest employers of future MLIS grads so they have to be … ?

PYPER
I think that’s what’s driven them in the last little while. Two things. One, that they sort of have to credentialize themselves to the university and the academic community. And secondly, where their job market is. But the interesting thing is, even in academic libraries now, people talk about these things. So in some ways the themes are the same. collaborative learning and creating learning spaces and connecting people with resources. So maybe it will correct itself a little bit now.

LIBRARY CAP & TRADE

CHO
I can’t put this coherently. But generally I’m anxious about the weight of stuff. For example, we’re about to move and it’s very important to me now that we never acquire anything ever again, including books. And I’m a PhD in English lit. I’m nothing but books. But I think we cannot buy any more.

PYPER
That’s what a library’s for.

CHO
I think we have to go to the library. Yes. Or we have to do cap and trade. If you bring a new book into the house, an old one has to go, or some system.

PYPER
Mmm. Cap and trade.

CHO
But what does the library do? I mean, there are more books being published every year. At some point, you must run out of space and I actually felt guilty …

PYPER
I thought you wanted us to make you feel less anxious.

CHO
I remember having this huge debate with one of my colleagues. I said, I’m all for e-books. Does my book actually need to kill trees and take up another slot on the physical shelf when only 100 people will ever read it in the course of the next 70 years. And surely it should just exist in some ephemeral platform and not take up too much space because I see how many books get published in a year and libraries are the place where most of them get bought. Where do they all go? I actually felt worried for you.

PYPER
Book heaven. I’ll just alleviate your anxiety. They go to book heaven. It’s an interesting point. Because there’s sort of a ‘books as sacred objects’. People don’t have a problem taking their stuff to Value Village, that it either goes to a dump or somebody uses it. But they don’t feel that way about books. They feel that they have this important …

CHO
You can’t just throw out a book.

PYPER
Which is fabulous.

MINTZ
You can always give it away. But you cannot dispose of a book.

PYPER
That’s right.

CHO
We looked at the shelf this morning. I said to Zach, ‘What Shamoo Taught Me’. That does not belong on this shelf.

PYPER
What Shamoo Taught Me?

CHO
He bought it. I didn’t.

MINTZ
I’m still sitting on my copy of ‘I Was Hitler’s Cat’.

PYPER
(motioning to my tiny bookself) Well you’ve definitely …

MINTZ
I’ve slimmed down.

PYPER

In more ways than giving up bread.

MINTZ
Hey-now. I want this answer. But I’ll tell you what I did. My bedroom was downstairs. When I moved upstairs, this bedroom has angled walls and no space for bookshelves. All my books, and comic books obviously …

CHO
Obviously.

MINTZ
Which comprises most of my books. They all went into boxes and they’re in my closet. Except for food books.

CL
So why do you keep them in your closet? Why don’t you just give them away?

MINTZ
(pause) They’re books.

CHO
See?

PYPER
They’re sacred. Sacred objects.

CHO
See, we have these solutions. But the library doesn’t.

PYPER
Have you ever heard of compact shelving.

CHO
Yes, I have. But at some point you’re going to run out of compact shelving. I don’t even know how many thousands of books get published every year.

PYPER
There’s a magical network of books. We as a public library, our mandate generally, to answer you very prosaically, is not preservation. I hate to tell you this.

CHO
I can take it.

PYPER
Books are for use. There are five laws of libraries. One is ‘Every book its reader’ and another is ‘Books are for use’.

CHO
So if something doesn’t circulate in, let’s say eight years, what’s the limit?

PYPER
Should we tell them the truth?

CHO
I totally want to know. When does a book have to go to book heaven.

PYPER
But here’s the thing. The magical network of public libraries are all about connecting books and people. Academic libraries have a different mandate. And the national libraries and the special libraries …

CHO
I worry about the national libraries.

PYPER
That’s where they go. That’s book heaven.

MINTZ
I thought there was a room marked Fahrenheit 451where there was just a guy with a flamethrower.

PYPER
No. There’s a book heaven.

CHO
So basically, you download the problem. You offload the problem.

PYPER
We don’t consider it downloading. We consider it sharing.

CHO
So you’ve made it Ottawa’s problem. That’s a genius way of dealing with municiple-federal relations.

PYPER
We’re uploading.

Dude, Zach MADE these turtles.

Date of publication: January 14th, 2012

2012 Food Trend Predictions

2012-01-10T08:57:00.005-05:00

Except for dog charcuterie, all my 2011 Food Trend predictions came true.

So mark my words Toronto, you will see every one of these come true in 2012

-Tiny ice cubes.

-Tangerines, for centuries used only as fertilizer, finally get eaten, thanks to Pantone’s endorsement.

-Jägermeister-flavoured marshmallows.

"Oh me? Just drinking a glass of water."

-Concealing red wine in a Spider-Man glass is the new "cold tea".

-Carcass service: like bottle service, they drop the whole beast at your table & you look like a big shot as you carve off bits & hand them out.

-Runaway food trucks: you’ve got to hop on as it speeds past you.

-Wines by the sip.

-Cow eggs.

-Freegaurants: restaurants that just tell you where to dumpster dive.

-Sanka.

-Licorice beer.

-Having cracked the espresso market, Tim Horton’s moves into marrow donuts & elk chili.

-Edible tables

-Fish sausages.

-Jugbert Cody’s fried dogmeat chain, Hushed Puppies, FINALLY franchises in Toronto.

-Parallelograms.

"Eddie Hawkins, fattening up on my deck furniture."

-Deck hawks are the new backyard chickens.

-Intraliscious: the all intravenous restaurant.

-Coffee makes a triumphant return, having been so unpopular in 2011.

-Raccoon rillettes

-Liposuction confit.

-Loaded handguns are the new cupcakes.

Street food (Kidding. That will never happen.)

But I’m no lone prognosticator. Many more Torontonians supplied 100% accurate Feed Trend predictions. I've made their text size smaller, to assert my dominance.

@A_McDo: Vegan ortolan #2012FOODTRENDS

@girlmagenta: Sous vide bedbugs. #2012FOODTRENDS

@karonliu: edible, vegan merkins and braised unicorn cheeks.

@PayChen: swim-up Mac & cheese bars. #2012FOODTRENDS

@JColdrick: Bird flu strain yogurt. Because it's not only delicious, but vaccinating! Ontario gov subsidized... #2012FoodTrends

@michellerabin: roadkill burgers #2012FOODTRENDS

@Earth_to_Table: Chicken milk!! #2012FOODTRENDS

@kennedylryan: Sparrows, rotisserie style. #2012foodtrends

@lafnlab: Corned Beef Hashtags #2012FOODTRENDS

@the_mkt: Macaroni 'n Chaise - infantilized pasta and a chair menu. #2012FOODTRENDS

@lafnlab: Skittle Smoothies with Pixie Stix chasers #2012FOODTRENDS

@lafnlab: Canned Tortillas #2012FOODTRENDS

@gen_anderson: Bacon tea and bacon coffee. And bacon-covered espresso beans. #2012FoodTrends

@A_McDo: paleo candy floss (i.e., a branch dipped in honey). #2012FOODTRENDS

@A_McDo: flaxseed jerky #2012FOODTRENDS

@A_McDo: double-smoked bacon smoothies #2012FOODTRENDS

@Uranowski: Cannibalism. #2012FoodTrends

@A_McDo: Curry poutine roti #2012FOODTRENDS

@DeathByReading: Sarah Palin's Baked Alaska #2012FOODTRENDS

@MikeChristieTO: Wild boar bolognese sloppy joes #2012FOODTRENDS

@MKofsky: Chicken's feet on the street. #2012foodtrends

@larrylarry: Shawarma Bi Bim Bop. #2012FOODTRENDS

@laurendorphin: #2012foodtrends restaurants that only serve bloggers, for free, in exchange for blog entries.

@DanaMcCauley Pizza Cones

@A_McDo: McMutton chops #2012FOODTRENDS

Thanks everyone. I'll see you at the vegan hawk meat hop-on taco truck.

FED #112: The Anti-Consumerism Professor (Trevor Norris)

2012-01-04T10:33:00.000-05:00

Status: FED

· Açorda (fried bread, eggplant, anchovy, garlic, cilantro & parsley) + Popcorn Sauce + Shrimp

· Chicken Tacos

Guest #112.1: Trevor Norris

Occupation: Lecturer, philosophy of education, at University of Toronto

Contributed: Henry of Pelham 2008 Meritage

Sent thank-you: email

Guest #112.2: Carly Stasko

Occupation: Imagitator

Contributed: preserved peaches

Sent thank-you: see above

Guest #112.3: Jonathan Goldsbie

Occupation: Agitator

Contributed: Woodford bourbon (well done)

Sent thank-you: text and jar of Nutella left “in the usual place” in my mailbox.

Guest #112.4: Andrea Houston

Occupation: Thorn in Catholic School’s side

Contributed: see above

Sent thank-you: see above

This fried bread thing was seriously deliciuos. I need to do more of it.

Carly Stasko's Mom Rap:

I’m MC Mammarian Gland

My rhymes are smooth but my milk ain’t bland

This one’s chocolate, this one’s vanilla

My baby’s a mother sucker and a diaper-filla

I give birth at home with no pain-killa

Pushed him out my snatch, taught him how to latch

He wears little mittens so his nails don’t scratch

Sc-sc-sc-sc-sc-scratch

Yep. Johnny Jew helped put up the Christmas tree.

Date of publication: Saturday, January 7th, 2012

ATE: Not every day is Christmas. But Christmas is.

2012-01-03T19:59:00.002-05:00

This is a thing that happened. It is sad.

When I was a child, my father forbade Kraft Dinner. But when I slept over at Jamie Nickerson's house I got to eat it and I thought it was amazing.

Someone who won't be named (my mother) thought it would be hilarious to give me a present to put under my Christmas tree, only to have that present turn out to be Kraft Dinner. I said I didn't want presents, not that I wanted insults.

Well Robyn Doolittle is trashy, right? She likes KD. So I brought it to her. She wasn't at the office the day of the Mayor's levee. I dropped it off for her, and picked up a gift she had left for me.

What a comedic triumph, Doolittle. You're the Roseanne Barr of One Yonge Street. Well the joke was on you. Because I ate that KD, while watching Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon eat far better food. And despite the prodding of nostalgia, I did not enjoy it, no matter how much truffle I shaved on top.

Strips of braised beef cheeks frying up, topped with cheddar ...

... for cheek burgers, the first course on Christmas. Stole the idea from Holy Chuck, where they make a lot ( A LOT) of different burgers. But just get the bacon double cheese.

Quinoa, chestnuts and n'duja. Brought it to Max's mom's for Christmas. It was dwarfed by all the other good food.

An amaranth and chocolate snack that I got at Tierra Azteca, a convenience story, check-cashing place, restaurant.

I can't say why. But I didn't enjoy this beef and rapini lunch at all.

I know I shouldn't. But I want all these cushions on my sofa. I want to rest my head on the cupcake and put my feet up on the pancakes. But adulthood, and reason, must prevail.

Let the record show that since JJ brought me these English candies, I have only eaten 4 of them (Ok 6. Fine, 10).

Christmas dinner.

Max, having a good time cuttin' up the head.

Head carnage.

Treated myself to a big bowl of pappardelle, tomatoes an beef cheek.

I don't normally eat like this anymore. But this was my favourite holiday meal. Christmas morning, leftover challah, n'duja and coffee. Then I was like, "Before I go to the movies, I'm definitely going to name the people who were tweeting #RIDE locations last night".

Thank You, people I used this year

2011-12-31T18:26:00.000-05:00

This week’s column is about some of the most fun, most awkward and most challenging Fed dinners of 2011.

So it’s a good time for Porkosity to take a moment to thank some of the amazing people who have made this production possible. Because it really is like a little theatre production, complete with a rotating cast and a seamless back-of-house team.

First, thanks to the wonderful friends from A-Squad, B-Squad and even those stragglers in C-Squad. Time and again, they have made me seem like a more charismatic host by being such funny, well-dressed, smart, informed and all around fun people.

In addition to my horrible wife, the always dependable Emma Segal, countless dinners were infused with a joyful spirit thanks to the company of Beth Palmer, Eric Vellend, Jesse Brown, Laura Adams, Lily Cho, Max Mandel, Mike Miner, Amy Wood, Chris Nuttall-Smith, David Ginsberg, David Zikovitz, Steve Gilbert, Ivor Tossell, Jennifer Yang, Jonathan Goldsbie, Karon Liu, Katie Minsky, Paul Terefenko, Zachary Green, Hannah Sung, Lauren Schreiber, Mark Medley, Sarah-Nicole Prickett, Becca Brown, Hilary Doyle, Denise Balkissoon, Catherine Porter and many more (and hopefully many more to come).

As always, friends and colleagues who ask, “When are you inviting me to one of your dinners?” The answers is, anytime you pitch me a good guest.

Brigitte Noel has been a tremendous help with guest bookings. I call her my intern, but really she is more of a part-time research assistant. She is as thorough as she is punctual.

My roommate, Andrea Yip, continues to be accommodating about having a dinner party in her home once a week.

Jen Agg’s influence is all over my table, starting with the table itself, which she steered me towards. She was instrumental in getting me wine glasses, ordered me a case of long-burning candles and in the new year, will doubtlessly be the reason why I spend twice as much on a set of chairs as I did on the table. But if she has her way, they’re going to be the perfect chairs.

My butcher, Pete Sanagan, has not just made meat-buying a pleasure, but he’s been consistently helpful with cooking tips. Chef Brandon Olsen has saved my bacon multiple times by replying quickly to a last minute text, an inquiry about brining ratios or resting times, despite the fact that he has better things to do. Nick auf der Mauer and Tom Davis have taken time out of their schedules to teach me how to prepare soft-shell crabs and ribs, respectively.

I never know which photographer is going to show up, an hour into a dinner. But whoever it is, they are always a pleasure to work with, integrating themselves into the strange scene, with or without lights. Back at the office, photo assignment editors have been nothing but gracious about last minute photo requests and details. Though it seems that every time I call to say, “I screwed up, can you send a photographer?” it’s Canice Leung on the other end being nice about it.

And while the realities of the newspaper business mean that there is less time for everything and the editing duties shift every few weeks, there is always someone back at the Star, editors such as Kate Robertson, Sarah Murdoch, Erica Tustin, Garnet Fraser, Deborah Dundas, who, with their better understanding of the world and the English language, prevent me from sounding like an idiot. [Boy, they would have split that sentence in three.] All too briefly, I got to work closely with Jennifer Bill. She has gone to a place that dare not be named.

I never know whether to refer to Christine Loureiro as my boss, my editor or my friend. She’s the deputy editor of the Living and Entertainment section. I wouldn’t attempt to describe what her duties are, but trust me when I say they are legion. Most of our conversations take place around 9 p.m. Whatever I did to earn a colleague who, after a 12-hour workday, will call me from home to work out a story, I’m supremely fortunate. She deserves more than being called Chrissy, or Lou, or Lou-Lou, or Chrissy-Lou. I guess she’s my Captain.

Undoubtedly there are people or animals (Hank!) I am forgetting to thank. But you get the picture. This is a team effort and I want everyone to know how much I appreciate their contributions.

…

Oh, and god. I couldn’t have hosted so many dinners without the my faith in Thoth, Lord of Divine Words, Thrice Great, father of Ra and Khepri, Scribe of Ma’at. I’m a little embarrassed that I didn’t thank him first.

#RIDE Tweeters: The Brock Antons of Drunk Driving

2011-12-30T12:43:00.008-05:00

A week ago, if you’d told me that there was more than one answer to the question, “Should you tweet RIDE locations?” I’d have thought you were joking.

I wouldn’t have imagined that there were people out there who wanted to help others drive drunk. But after a lovely Christmas Eve dinner, when my tipsy guests all got into cabs to get home safely, I noticed, via police officer Tim Burrows, that there were Torontonians tweeting the location of RIDE (Reduce Impaired Driving Everywhere) checks. It seemed ghastly.

I may not agree with everything that the Toronto Police do, but the RIDE program is not an abuse of civil rights or a cash grab for overtime hours. It is an attempt to diminish the dangers of motorists having the flesh torn from their bodies, their heads lopped off, spines broken, lungs punctured or other gruesome outcomes, because some of them are drunk.

Some who have been tweeting RIDE locations, or defending the practice (or their friends) have done so under the guise of helping people avoid traffic slowdowns. I respect a good bit of spin and so I tip my hat to this argument. I also would not like being stopped in my car, made to wait, answer police questions or take a sobriety test. If someone told me how to avoid that, I would appreciate it.

The problem with this explanation is that it’s not true. One of the gentlemen from Christmas Eve used the hashtag #avoidifhammered. Another explained in his bio that he likes “to get really blackout drunk and do stupid shit.”

These boyscouts were not trying to help me save time. They were trying to help me drive drunk. Attempts to spin their behavior are just that, spin.

So I tweeted their names.

The first to pick it up was Josh Visser at CTV

Soon, every media outlet had covered the story, in their own ways:

The CBC

Global

John Michael McGrath at Open File

Adrian Morrow at the Globe & Mail

Chris Doucette at The Sun

Kate Allen at The Toronto Star

and my favourite of the lot, Bert Archer in the Toronto Standard

“People will do all manner of nasty, venal things if they think they’re doing it under cover,” wrote Archer. “ But of course, Twitter, not to mention Facebook and the other social media, are not under cover.”

These people were broadcasting their behavior. Indeed, on Christmas Day, Mr. #avoidifhammered’s first reaction was to brag that he was named on TV. Later, he apologized. Though he continues to maintain that he is being bullied. Apparently I am part of a conspiracy with every media outlet, INCLUDING THE TORONTO SUN, and the Toronto Police.

We’re seeing a lot of this defence in politics (or at least at Toronto City Hall); the misappropriation of the term “bully”. It seems the rise in awareness about bullying means, as Scott Agostino says, “Monstrous people called out for being monstrous are crying of being bullied. We're seeing it with bigots too.”

As to the issue of privacy, two weeks ago I took a photograph of a Hummer parked in a bike lane that made it’s way into The Grid. The license place was clearly visible. I had it obscured, as a courtesy to the driver’s privacy.

These kids were broadcasting their message. They found an audience.

It’s easy to get mad at these horribly raised children. But they’re just a symptom, the Brock Antons of drunk driving, the tiny minority vilified for something done en masse. Everyone does it. They were just the ones who thought to advertise.

But I was out with a friend for lunch and he explained it succinctly. “You would have no way of knowing this about Car Culture,” he said, “but everybody drives drunk.”

Maybe it’s just a cultural divide between urban and suburban. Sure, it’s easy for Toronto Elites to call a cab if they’re drunk. But it’s not so simple when you need to get from Markham to Mississauga at 2 a.m.

The problem with that is that it’s also a copout. We do things by choice. Like infidelity, people don’t choose to drive drunk at 2 a.m.. It’s a series of choices. At noon we choose to get together for drinks tonight. At 6 p.m. we choose to travel by car, bike, foot, cab, TTC. At midnight, we choose to have another drink.

Plan ahead, and you’re more likely to choose to RIDE home safely.

For ten years I’ve chosen to spend New Year’s alone. My friends have always found this odd. But with these kids out there, juiced-up and shameless, determined to drink and drive, to have a good time at the expense of others, it may be safer to stay inside.

There is a positive and negative to all the media attention, as David Topping writes:

Media coverage of the problem has since exploded, but, unintentionally, it’s also pointed every wannabe drunk driver in the direction of where to find information that’ll help them avoid getting caught, and every dummy with a Twitter account in the direction of how and where to help them. It’s 1 a.m. on the Friday night before New Year’s Eve as I write this, and they’re doing it right now.

There is one really simple thing to do that might make a difference, though, and that’s to turn #RIDE from a hashtag that helps people drive drunk into one that makes it harder for them to.

It’s easy: when you tweet this New Year’s Eve, use the hashtag #RIDE—the same one people have been using to share RIDE check locations. Use the hashtag #RIDE especially if you’re sharing an anti–drunk driving message, and especially if it’s after midnight. “My uncle was killed by a drunk driver in 2008. Please don’t drink and drive. #RIDE.” “Remember, the TTC is free after midnight tonight! Maybe you’ll get to ride one of those fancy new subway trains. #RIDE.” That kind of stuff—whatever works for you.

The more of it, by the more people, the better. If someone is searching for RIDE locations on New Year’s Eve, those are the tweets they should see, not the location of a spot check. It’s worth a shot.

What's nice is that, despite discussing with Topping what we might do to counter this trend, people all over Toronto came up with the same solution. I saw them doing it last night.

After I posted "RIDE# locations all over Toronto. Best to stay out of the city", one gentleman gave me the perfect, appropriate response (despite his bad punctuation).

ATE: The N'Duja Cometh

2011-12-20T10:01:00.000-05:00

This is the truth of my everyday eating, a return from the market with broccoli, rapini and brussels sprouts to blanche.

Meanwhile, chicken thighs braise away in a guajillo tomato sauce.

I ended up reducing this down a lot more, for a variation on tinga.

It was for tacos. But the leftovers went all over the joint. With rapini ...

... with pasta scraps ...

... on challah, with pickles and cilantro.

I don't normally eat bread at home but my niece was over.

Shrimp, about to be fried.

A variation on acorda, a Portuguese dish of fried bread (sort of like stuffing without being stuffed). Here I've done it with eggplant, cilantro and a bit of anchovie.

The shrimp, acorda and a little popcorn sauce. It sounds goofy but this was a winner.

More pasta scraps.

More shrimp.

This mug gets neglected.

My precious money about to be parted with.

Sad, I thought I'd eat some vegetables (tomatillo, eggplant) before dinner. But then it was dinner.

Brando's got this ridiculously spicy batch of n'duj, as in too hot to serve in the restaurant. He gave me a hunk, which has become my all-purpose seasoning.

Dinner one night: A head of broccoli with n'duja.

Dinner another night: a pound of brussels sprouts with n'duja. So, y'know, a lot of green vegetables with a teensy bit of pork. But pork bearing a wealth of smokiness and spiciness.

A dear friend gave me her super-secret bourbon sour recipe. What a difference proper instruction makes.

Butchie got a shipment of Kit Kat products from Japan. I really like the pumpkin flavour. But this is not a healthy addiction.

A yes, my pasta making day with the niece. It was for an assignment for her cooking class.

She said she'd made dough in school and asked how it was any different to do it by hand, instead of in a mixer.

Here's how it's different. It's a lot more work.

But also, when she was done, she said that it had a far better consistency.

Pear mostarda for tortelli di zucca filling.

Roasting the pumpkin.

About to crank this thing out.

She wanted photos of every step. I'm not sure if it was part of her assignment or if she wanted proof that she did it all herself (SHE DID).

Adorbicci? The finished tortelli di zucca, garnished with shaved parmesan and amaretti.

Uncle Dr.-Prof. surveys his minion/niece's work.

FED #109: The Inventionator & The Buildificationator (Justin Nadeau & James Davis)

2011-12-18T12:01:00.003-05:00

Status: FED

· Pappa al pomodoro

· Zucchini & Yogurt

· Kale + Arugula + Yuzu Dressing + Pecorino

· Ptitm & Cheese

· Brigitte is bringing cookies

Guest #: Justin Nadeau

Occupation: “School Food Garden & Environmental Education Coordinator” or Inventionator

Contributed: sunflower sprouts (grown in a file cabinet), eggs (from backyard chickens of a friend of a friend)

Sent thank-you: email

Guest #: James Davis

Occupation: “School Food Innovations Educator” or Buildificationator

Contributed: Jamaican dessert thing with coconut, ginger, hemp seeds

Sent thank-you: see above

Guest #: Dawn Laing

Occupation: Environmental Biologist

Contributed: Mike Weir 2009 Underdog, egg tray

Sent thank-you: email

Guest #: Brigitte Noel

Occupation: journalist

Contributed: a selection of cookies from Soma (even though I specifically asked only for almond cookies from Soma)

Sent thank-you: Card in the mail

THE BUILDIFICATIONATOR & THE INVENTIONATOR

DAVIS
Did you dub me as the ‘buildificationator?’

NOEL
Yes, and the ‘inventionator’.

DAVIS
I guess we’re still sort of workshopping it. They think that buildologist is a better fit …

LAING
Ooh, I like that too.

DAVIS
I like ‘buildificationator’. Because we also have ‘funologists’, so a little to much ‘ologists’ for me.

NADEAU
I think it started with ‘inventionator’ because one of our staff has a 12-year –old daughter who was like, ‘Was that built by the inventionator?’ She coined this term. I think it’s flattering. I hate being called an engineer.

LAING
What’s your title?

NADEAU
School food, gardens and environmental education coordinator.

LAING
Oh wow.

NADEAU
Yeah, it’s got a real ring to it.

LAING
So Foodshare, do you report to a board, or an environmental director?

NADEAU
So Foodshare is ambitious and taking on a lot of things, and doing it well. So it’s taking on food security as a holistic thing. And I don’t want to say that word ever again, ‘holistic’. So you have this idea of the Good Food Box, which is providing fresh fruits and vegetables to anyone at a really great price. It beats the supermarket.

LAING
And it’s all seasonal, for the most part?

NADEAU
Yeah. It’s a balance between people’s cultural needs. People like avocados and bananas. Culturally appropriate is above local. It’s working with farmers. So for example, farmers right now have tons of squash or tons of potatoes. So we’re working with farmers all over the province. But also with the food terminal, which is a thing that people may not celebrate but the fact is that we have a humungous food terminal in Toronto. So we have a buyer at Foodshare and he communicates with our staff and finds out that, right now, cucumbers are way too expensive. Let’s get zucchini. Every week it changes. So we’ll find out what’s the most affordable, nutritionally balanced and culturally relevant food. And we’re working with that point guy to figure out the costs. So kale is brilliant right now. So let’s get organic kale because it’s so cheap, it’s the same price as regular kale.

MINTZ
Who are the boxes going out to?

NADEAU
Anyone. There are drop points throughout the city. Someone’s home or church can be a drop spot.

DAVIS
And as long as you get ten orders in you can become a hub.

NADEAU
It’s five. Once you get to ten, your own is free. So my friend is a drop-spot in Roncy. She has eight right now. So if she gets two more neighbours to pick up the box then she would get her own free box.

MINTZ
This sounds like a pyramid scheme.

AQUAPONICS

DAVIS
We have the aquaponics system, which is where I first met Justin. Aquaponics is, you take aquaculture, which is raising fish for food, and hydroponics, which is growing without soil, and you mash them up together, and you come up with aquaponics.

MINTZ
You’d actually get a very dirty fishcake.

LAING
But you end up with really cook stuff floating on top of the water, growing, while you have a living ecosystem underneath.

DAVIS
So Justin, I think it was his second or third project at Foodshare. He took some old 55 gallon barrels, the black plastic barrels, split one in half and they turned into grow beds. There’s a tank where the fish are raised so basically the fish waste gets cycled up, bacteria turns the nutrients into a plant available form and then the plants take those up and kind of clear the water. So it’s somewhat of a closed system.

LAING
So does oxygen at all getting into that system?

DAVIS
There’s a tank, I’m guessing it’s like a 60 gallon tank that we’ve got six tilapia swimming around in. It used to be a barrel that the fish were swimming in and now it’s an actual aquarium tank.

MINTZ
Why tilapia?

NADEAU
So tilapia have always been, for centuries, — this is a good song, too — the best for raising fish. They’re hearty. So you can change the conditions of the water and they’re going to survive. Whereas other fish would go belly up. So you would start a rice paddy out in like Egypt, flood it with water and fill it with tilapia and in six months you would harvest your tilapia. That’s sort of progressed and come to the point where tilapia have been this farmed fish in certain regions. It works great in north America because when they get introduced to our waters, like if they get put in Lake Ontario, they’re not going to become the Chinese carp and jump out of the water and knock people out of their boats. In Australia they’re illegal. I don’t want to get into too much detail …

CLL
Non-native species introduction: bad.

DAVIS

This is actually a sensitive moment, if we could have a moment of sensitivity. Last year I had 25 tilapia at a TDSB building where we work. And the boiler broke during the Christmas break, when we were not allowed to access the building. Our compost guy came in and says, ‘Justin, the tilapia don’t look too good.’ I hop on my bike and when I get there they’re all bloated and dead, 25 fish that I’d been raising for seven months. Just toast. I had to compost them. But Simon gave me some of his fish and they’re this big now and I thought, maybe we should bring them to Corey’s and we could fry them up.

LAING
Aren’t you a vegetarian?

DAVIS
That’s another topic.

MINTZ
You didn’t make me cook a vegetarian meal for nothing, did you?

The egg tray that Dawnatella brought me.

THREE THINGS BEFORE GOOGLE

DAVIS
There’s an old saying: There are old mushroom hunters and there are bold mushroom hunters. But there are no old, bold mushroom hunters.

My first encounter with Mark was, he was a phone-a-friend kind of situation. So my friend Linda has this thing she calls “three things before Google”. You’re in a dinner situation, you’re talking and there’s a contentious issue — this person thinks this — let’s just google it. She says no, before you do that you’ve got to do three things. You call a friend, you look it up in a book, whatever you’ve got to do. I like it. Much more interesting things happen.

LAING
Can the person you call look it up on the internet?

DAVIS
I think that’s cheating as well.

NOEL
Isn’t that always what happens when those questions occur?

MINTZ
Well if someone calls you, you might ask, ‘Why don’t you look it up?’ But you might be an expert and that’s why they’re calling you.

DAVIS
Or, in the case of one of the first times I played this game, or followed these instructions, this protocol, I was at a friend’s house just outside of Ottawa, Chelsea, and we were talking about, I can’t even remember … she’s the CEO of Indogo. Heather’s Picks. We were talking about Heather’s Picks. And it was this discussion around, who is Heather. And I said, well she’s actually the CEO of the company and nobody else believed me. They said it was just the person from that one store. We had to prove this somehow. So three things before Google. I called my roommate at the time, who knows a lot of stuff. And he confirmed it right away without any other prompting. And then another time we were having a conversation about how far it is to drive to Thunder Bay or something. So I called my father. He actually took out the 1985 National Geographic atlas and got to the page and took a ruler and did the math. It’s about 1100 kilometres. It works.

MINTZ
So number one is call a friend …

DAVIS
Three things before Google. There are endless possibilities.

MINTZ
There aren’t three mandated things.

DAVIS
Call a friend, look it up in a book. There’s nothing mandated.

MINTZ
But the two obvious ones are that it’s printed on something physical in your home, someone you know knows the answer or, try to actually figure it out using deductive reasoning.

DAVIS
Or arm wrestling or whatever. So I have to quickly talk about Marc. We were at my friends Nick and Lisa’s house and Linda, who is the connector of this whole story, was talking about an article in the globe she read, where …

MINTZ
Booo!

DAVIS
It may have been in the Star. At any rate, a newspaper article she read about this woman who was bringing in truffles from Romania and selling them to high end restaurants in toronto. She’d cleared a six figure salary in two months of doing this. So right away we’re like, can we do this? Instead of importing them from our family in Romania, because those people don’t exist, can we start growing them in Ontario. So a conversation ensued about, is this possible or are they specific to a certain climate. So we had three different people that we called that night, one of whom was Marc. We first called the same room mate I called about Heather. He knows a lot of stuff but he also acts really confidently about things. I know Dana knows a lot of stuff but he also talks a lot of shit and doesn’t admit when he’s wrong. So then we called Marc. Linda was like, ‘I know this guy Marc. He knows all about mushrooms. Maybe they’re not a mushroom. But we’ve got to talk to him. So we talked to him on speakerphone. He told us a lot of facts which partially lined up. I don’t know this Marc guy. I’m not gonna question him as to how valid he is.

NADEAU
It’s almost like you need another offshoot, like a verification. Because you could google Marc and find out if he’s verifiable.

It's me!

DAVIS

But here’s the thing, you have to triangulate. My older brother knows a lot of stuff and is one of the people I respect most in this world. And between the three of them there were enough common facts that we couldn’t’ do this in Ontario but if we move to Victoria we have a chance but the best thing to do would be to move down to Oregon and work hard or just go to Romania.

LAING
Corey, is it possible, filing cabinet mushrooms?

MINTZ
My first thought is not whether it’s possible, but who do I know. I think, and Marc would be the first person I’d ask, but I’m pretty sure that the whole issue of truffles is the randomness of where they grow and that you can’t actually cultivate them. I think that’s what makes them precious and valuable.

DAVIS
So this is what we learned that night. There are a few things. A) You don’t actually need a pig to route them out because they love them so much that they will eat them.

LAING
Can you put a muzzle on them?

DAVIS
A muzzle …. ? Yeah, that’s a good question. You can use a dog. Dog’s can be taught to smell it out but not eat it. B) You can cultivate it but you need the right climate and Ontario is not appropriate and it takes a long time. The people on Vancouver island who’s set up a farm, they were in their fifth year of doing it and they’d started to have a very meager harvest. So you’ve got to really be committed. And C) Not a mushroom.

After everyone left, Nadeau and I stayed up playing video games.

Date of publication: Saturday, December 17th, 2011

The Hummer Gentleman

2011-12-14T14:30:00.001-05:00

While taking photos of the shiny Humvee illegally squatting on the bike lane in front of Sam James Coffee Bar, a gentleman comes out to have words with me. He is wearing a spotless, white Canada Goose jacket and speaks with a charming English accent.

HUMMER GENTLEMAN

Ayo, what you takin’ pictures for?

ME
So that I can mock you on the internet.

HUMMER GENTLEMAN
Why can’t you just live and let live?

ME
What do you mean?

HUMMER GENTLEMAN
You people are always harassing me.

ME
“You people”?

HUMMER GENTLEMAN
You cyclists cut me off all the time.

ME
Who are “you people”?

HUMMER GENTLEMAN
Ah, shuttup.

And then he walks back into Opyni, the art print shop next to the popular espresso bar, on Harbord Street. This is my first interaction with Hummer Gentleman. No, there was no prophesy in his birth name. But we didn’t get a proper introduction.

The words “live and let live” are a trigger for the image of Jenna Morrison, and the unborn child in her stomach, being crushed to death under the wheels of a truck, for no other reason than a simple, legal right turn at an intersection without the safety of a bike lane.

There was no malice in Morrison’s death, other than the failure of transit planning. It’s easy to point the finger at “the war on cars”, a successful political campaign strategy to divide citizens by their choice of transportation. But it’s not fair to lay all cycling woes on this administration. Transportation in Toronto has always been a joke.

I believe Hummer Gentleman is sincere when he asks me to “live and let live”. I think he believes that I, like all cyclists, am hassling him. He’s just asking to be left alone.

Even with my limited powers of empathy, it’s easy to understand how he feels.

Recently I joined the ranks of Toronto drivers. One thing I’ve learned since I got my license, is that DRIVING IS AWESOME.

When you’re in a car, you can go faster, carry more things and music sounds so damn good.

But it’s also a greater responsibility. It can be dangerous, frustrating and often slower than a bike. Though I could afford a car, because I’m rich, cycling and walking are still my mode of transportation.

On a bike, it often seems that every other car on the road is out to kill you, whether through willful ignorance of your presence, or conscious aggression (y’know, for that war we started).

The big surprise in a car is that the vast majority of drivers are good at it. For every jerk who never signals or checks their blind spot, there are ten drivers who are not only aware of what’s going on in the road, but are generous and courteous about conceding the right of way (so long as you don’t take too long).

I love that little wave you get when you concede space to another driver.

Being a veteran cyclist and a novice motorist, I would say that there seems a higher percentage of bad cyclists than bad motorists; those who choose to do foolish, illegal things with their vehicles. But cyclists and motorists combined aren’t as bad as pedestrians. It’s a daily sight in Toronto to see a pedestrian pushing a baby carriage into the road, on a red light, talking on their phone, head turned in the opposite direction.

Every day, during rush hour, someone parks a car in front of James’ business. He’s got a sign out front asking his patrons not to. If they park there, he’ll ask them to move and even refuse them service.

When I have a car for the day, I love to go to Sam’s for a coffee. When I do, I find a parking spot on Manning Street, around the corner, and walk the remaining distance, which takes 30 seconds. There is always a spot on Manning.

The reason I do this is because I don’t believe that my convenience is more important than the safety (and when I say “safety”, I mean legal boundaries that prevent the crushing to death of women and their unborn babies) of other people.

But do we need experience or graphic examples to employ empathy?

I believe that being a cyclist makes me a better driver. And having learned to drive has made me a better cyclist.

Or to put it another way, using both types of vehicles prevents me from being a selfish prat.

As I leave the coffee bar to fetch my bike, Hummer Gentleman exits Opyni to have another discussion with me.

HUMMER GENTLEMAN
How’d you like it if I took pictures of you and your yappin’ dog?

ME
Excuse me?

HUMMER GENTLEMAN
You. Should I be taking pictures of you with your yapping dog?

ME
What dog?

HUMMER GENTLEMAN
You tied your dog up outside here and it wouldn’t stop barking.

ME
You’re mistaken. I don’t have a dog. (NOTE: Dogs, like cars, are awesome)

HUMMER GENTLEMAN
Oh.

He throws up his arms and walks back into Opyni.

ME

Merry Christmas!

BREAKING: Sam James' neighbours, Speakeasy Tattoo, have a priceless blog called http://lookattheassholeinthebikelane.tumblr.com/

HOW TO BE A CHRISTMAS PARTY GUEST

2011-12-12T18:19:00.003-05:00

Whether meeting a spouse’s horrible family or visiting some horrible country, a good guest is always on their best behaviour. Micro or macro, a guest is a guest, never revealing the contempt hidden behind a thin veil of civility.

In December, guesting and hosting reaches critical mass. Between personal and professional commitments, even the most extroverted of us can yearn for that bleak, commitment-free stretch of winter between New Year’s Eve and Hitler’s birthday.

Here are some tips for not merely surviving, but triumphing over, the Christmas party gauntlet.

1. HONOUR YOUR COMMITMENTS

If you said you’d be somewhere, be there. “I had too much fun at another party last night,” is a terrible, insulting excuse for being a no-show at tonight’s jam.

2. ARRIVE LATE, LEAVE EARLY

Easier said than done. A common party timeline (required for Facebook invitations) is 8 p.m. until 2 a.m. Cheeky hosts will list the end time as 5 p.m. the next day. But really, unless this is an opium den staff party, who are we kidding? If you show up at 9:30, the crowd will be just thin enough that you’ll get some attention/recognition from the host. Leave by 11. In those 90 minutes, during which you could have watched any Woody Allen movie, you’ve talked to all your pals. And you don’t need to talk to new people because they are the worst.

A little music to put you in the mood.

3. BRING A GIFT

The next time it seems too laborious to schlep wine to a dinner party, remember that in Japan, the cycle of gift-giving is so severe that if you return from a trip to Hokkaido without fake-milk flavoured cookies for your co-workers, you will never get a promotion.

You needn’t spend too much. A gift for the host can be anything — wine, flowers, fruit, a book, a card, a friendship bracelet, unscented candles, herbs from your garden, a jar of Nutella (hint hint), guajillo chilies — but you can’t show up empty handed. Because you are an adult.

4. DON’T BE A DRUNK

Tipsy people are hilarious. Drunk people are sad accidents waiting to happen. The act of drinking confounds attempts to plan ahead and be in control. But try to remember what your eighth-grade health teacher taught you about the difference between three, four and five alcoholic beverages. If it’s a two-party night, pace yourself. You are not Wolverine. Your healing factor will not absorb the booze. If you are breaking things, if people are avoiding eye contact with you, if you have cause to question, “Am I wasted?” you are. Leave.

BONUS POINT: If you are under 25, no one takes you seriously yet. You can show up hammered.

5. BE AWESOME

Being awesome isn’t defined by dressing well, having an interesting job or telling funny stories. It’s certainly not being a loudmouth (see #6). Other awesome qualities include: being a good listener, getting people drinks or food, firm but not too-firm handshakes, redirecting questions to quieter, shy people to engage them in the conversation, name-rememberfication, making introductions.

BONUS POINT: Beware of introductions to anyone billed as “just like you.” You will hate them.

6. DON’T BE A BORE

For a compendium of bores, track down Russell Lynes’ 1951 book Guests. “We select our friends because they are not bores,” he sums it up, “or, to put it another way, because they do not think we are bores.” Simply put: listen. Do not be obtuse. Do not make everything about yourself. Do not view conversation as a competition.

BONUS ANTI-BORE POINTS: Other nuggets of Lynes’ wisdom are: never sit down on a sofa and, if you are interrupted during a story, never finish unless you’re asked to. These are simple to grasp, difficult to master.

7. HANDLE YOUR PHONE AS MUCH AS YOU WOULD YOUR PENIS

Talking or texting on your phone, while standing in a cluster of three, is rude. It draws from the finite amount of social energy, like lighting a cigarette while trapped in a bank vault. Take your private communications somewhere private. Like a cigarette, it’s also the only excuse you need to escape one social situation, to find another.

BONUS POINT: Set your phone to push email or Twitter notifications every five minutes and have a loud, ostentatious ring. “Oh, my friend is outside and can’t find the entrance,” you say to the faux-text as you make your escape.

8. THE CAMEO

How great was Condoleeza Rice on 30 Rock? Proof that even someone as spectacularly unfunny as Rice can leave a strong impression, when limited to one minute, twenty-three seconds. You can be that great—by only being in one scene. Show up at midnight, when the room is “at capacity”. Hand your coat to some stranger like he’s your servant. Let your host pour you a drink. Catch up for the time it takes you to casually sip it, look at your watch and declare, “Man, I’ve got to be going. I didn’t really have time to be here and I’m so sorry to drink and dash but I really did want to see you.” Get in and out in five minutes and leave them wanting more.

9. THE FRENCH LEAVE

If you know a lot of people in a room, you could spend half the night saying hello and the other half saying goodbye. Or you could master the French Leave and spend all your time with the people you like best. When you’re ready to split, say goodbye to the person you’re talking to and no one else. Just grab your coat and ninja your way out the door. Done well, your friends will ask, “Hey, did Awesome Gal leave?” They’ll be thinking that they should get going as well.

BONUS POINT: Class it up by texting the host. Sample: “You were so engrossed in conversation, I didn’t want to interrupt you. Had a swell time. Obvs. Thanks. Smiley-face emoticon.”

EXTRA BONUS POINT: The ultimate achievement in leavery is to not show up at all. For important acquaintances, this means sending a thoughtful email or a gift, before the party. “Sorry I can’t make it,” you say as you hand them a bottle of Tawse Riesling (if they’re good friends) or Cono Sur Chardonnay (if they’re not), “have a drink on me.” You’ve reclaimed a valuable December evening and invested friendship capital, for less than the price of minimum wage. Now you are free to sit at home, drink alone, watch Scrooged and shout at the screen, “I’m with you, Bill Murray. Who needs people?”

10. YOU CAN’T SLEEP HERE

If you find yourself at the party after nearly everyone has gone home, you are either best friends with the host, or you are about to get it on with them. If you are one of these, enjoy sweeping or shagging. Of you are not, you need to have left a long time ago. Don’t be that guy. The party is a hit if it goes late. But if you see the host scrubbing dishes, you’ve overstayed your welcome. Go home. Tomorrow is your office Christmas party.

Special thanks to Sarah Nicole Prickett, without whom I wouldn't have written this.

ATE: Tartare Burger & Reshelving the Bourbon

2011-12-11T17:56:00.000-05:00

Porked up. A thank-you gift from Fed guest Christopher St. Onge.

Sort of from the book. Lentils with roasted beets, pickled onions, oregano and gentile sausage.

Foolishly ordered a whole tenderloin for tartare.

Only served half for the Gopnik dinner.

So I turned the rest into a burger.

Cooked it slightly smashed style.

Good crust on top side.

No bun. So I can conclude that even when you have delicious beef, pecorino, caramelized onions and fresh pickles, it's not a burger without a bun.

ME: I've got to warn you, that pequin salsa is no joke.

SNP: Yeah.

ME: I'm quite serious about this.

SNP: Whatevs. Y'all can't tell me nuffin'.

30 seconds later

SNP: Water! Zeus' beard, this is spicy! Why would I ever doubt Dr. Prof. Mintz, what with all his academic credentials!?

The social media notices on the bill at Fuel House put me in mind of a quote from Ian "Street-Pusher" McGrenaghan: “I find that so many people have this misguided assumption that restaurants are online fan-clubs or community centres,” says McGrenaghan. “We are restaurant workers. We’re serving you food and getting you drunk.”"

A gorgeous photo, by Dave Cooper, of Adam Gopnik, Christine Loureiro, my cassoulet and Matt Galloway's hands.

And the less-flattering photo that they ran in the paper.

The second batch of cassoulet came out much better.

And, I would add, the leftovers were even better, the flavours totally snuggling each other. And as well as the Cotes Du Rhone was, the Old Milwaukee paired better with the fatty beans.

But still there were beans. They went in lunches, here with tomatoes and zucchini.

And more zucchini. And more kale (tell my wife).

The scary abandoned house on Huron had a light on in the top window. G-g-g-g-g-ghosts? Or Sq-sq-sq-sq-sq-squatters?

Came across a cache of Basil Hayden and Jefferson at the LCBO next to Burger's Priest.

Corner Creek (which might be my new favourite bourbon, now that I've gotten over the unsexiness of the bottle), with a pre-thank you card for dinner. This is how we doosit.

Adorbs. But my grandmother's been dead for almost three years. It's time to get rid of syrupy booze with bottle caps sealed by crystallization.

When you've got multiple doubles on your shelf, you know your bourbon collecting has gotten ahead of your bourbon drinking.

Cleaned up. Doubles lined up. General list (JD, Four Roses, Bulleit) to the side.

Bourbon needed to have its own shelf. Now the whiskey is with the wine and the rest of booze is on the ghetto of the top shelf, which I need a chair to reach.

Northern Spy, like Royal Gala, are a waste of a dope name. These apple are strictly pie filling.

But Braeburn, so unassuming in name, is a champion apple. It's got the mild tartness of a Courtland, with a bit of the caramel of a Fuji, without being syrupy like a Pink Lady.

The Official 2011 Cornelius Von Mintzberg Christmas Gift Guide

2011-12-08T18:17:00.000-05:00

DON’T BUY ANYTHING.

FED #108: The Adam Gopnik Part B: The Classism of Food Snobbery

2011-12-08T10:57:00.004-05:00

photo by Dave Cooper

Guest #109.1: Adam Gopnik

Occupation: staff writer, New Yorker, author of really smart books, most recently The Table Comes First, lecturer, big brain in regular sized body

Sent thank-you: email

Guest #109.2: Matt Galloway

Occupation: host, CBC’s Metro Morning

Contributed: lemon curd pie (seriously delicious), Josef Chromy 2009 Pinot Noir

Sent thank-you: email

Guest #109.3: Mark Medley

Occupation: books editor, National Post, Swedish Chef advocate

Contributed: E. Guigal 2007 Cotes Du Rhone, Fuller’s 2011 Vintage Ale

Sent thank-you: email

Guest #109.4: Christine Loureiro

Occupation: deputy Life editor, Toronto Star

Contributed: Chambolle-Musigny 2007 Burgundy

Sent thank-you: email

Guest #109.5: Sheila Kay

Occupation: deputy director of publicity, Random House

Contributed: Toasted Head 2010 Chardonnay, Louis Jadot 2010 Beaujolais

Sent thank-you: email

MEATLITISM

MEDLEY

So, I was wondering, as I read the book, have you gotten any backlash yet for your stance on meat eating?

GOPNIK

I’ve been so busy promoting it. I hate that word.

MEDLEY

It’s fair.

GOPNIK

But, whatever it is you do when you do these things, that I haven’t really been in place long enough to find out what people hate. But I suspect that there probably will be. But, as I thought I made plain in the book, I take the arguments for ethical vegetarianism very seriously. If my kids came to me and said, ‘Dad, we’ve decided that we don’t want to eat any more meat, I’d go along with that fine. But what I don’t think makes a lot of sense is talking about the thing in the context of some absolute theory of — sorry, I’m talked out a bit and I’m going to put this badly — of right and wrong. In other words, you can make just as strong a case that being a carnivore is part of the natural cycle of food as not being a carnivore. Now, the counterargument is always that feeding animals takes an enormous amount of the agriculture of the planet to do. And that’s true. But it’s also a choice. That’s always going to be true. You’re always going to be making irrational choices about how you use the abundance of the planet to feed yourself. You can’t attempt to rationalize that because it doesn’t lend itself to rationalization.

GALLOWAY

But you answer it well with the Fergus Henderson talk, in talking to him about eating everything. Don’t be shy and I had been vegetarian for a long time before I started eating meat again. And that was kind of the point. If you’re going to eat meat, a) eat good meat, and b) …

GOPNIK

Eat the whole beast, right?

GALLOWAY

Eat as much as you can.

MEDLEY

Unfortunately, that’s point one percent of the population. Not everybody …

MINTZ

But that point is often the people who are proselytizing, right?

MEDLEY

That’s true.

MINTZ

The food writers, ‘those people’, are the people who go to nice restaurants and they go to nice butchers and they get ethically raised meat. So I do feel comfortable being a proponent of meat.

GALLOWAY

Or you understand that there’s … again, I take my kids to the butcher shop and they see, here comes the goat or here comes the lamb. But they understand that that’s kind of the whole point. If they’re going to eat meat, and they ask questions all time about, where does this come from? Is it right that we’re eating this? You explain it and they get it. As a five year-old and an eight year-old they get it. So yes, it’s that point one percent. But you can expand that pretty quickly.

MINTZ

Well you can. It’s a question of whether or not we do. In the states it’s different. In our public education system it’s not represented at all. Or, it actually is starting to be. I’m starting to learn that.

MEDLEY

Not when I was growing up.

MINTZ

No, not when I was growing up at all. We got an afternoon of nutrition versus, my niece now, who I communicate with better after I listened to a talk you gave about communicating with your son over the acronym LOL. It actually helped me a lot in dealing with my niece. I text with my niece because that’s her preferred mode of communication. I believe you’ve got to meet people on their level. Anyway, she’s taking a cooking class now. She’s 15 and she’s loving it and what they’re doing is far and beyond what we did 20 years ago. And these guys I had over for dinner on Friday, they’re engineers and work for Foodshare. So they do these things where they teach teachers how to grow food, who then do classes on growing food. They’re building these filing cabinets that grow sunflower sprouts and teaching 12 year-olds how to work these. And they want to implement that all through Ontario. They have this whole plan about teaching kids how to grow stuff and actually sell it, figure out how to make a profit, to work economics into the education. Which is to illustrate, they’re starting to finally push it. But it’s not on the table. So most people don’t have a parent who takes them …

GALLOWAY

No. But if you do … we ate my daughter’s rainbow char that she planted. She planted it early in the season and last night was the night that we went out in the dark, with a flashlight, to harvest the chard. It was incredible.

Fixin's for a cassoulet: lamb sausage, braised pork belly, confit duck, white beans, tomatoes, garlic and onion.

LOUREIRO

I don’t know if it’s economic or cultural. But I feel like I have such a different experience. When we ate meat as a — I have a Portuguese immigrant family — because my grandparents went to a farm and bought a pig and killed it. Or they bought rabbits and bought chickens and kept them in the backyard and butchered them themselves and made dinners and froze the soup or froze the stock. And that was it. To go to a grocery store was a luxury. But to have supermarket ground beef, as a teenager, was an accomplishment. That’s what other people did. And then to come back around to a place where it’s ‘eat meat when it’s good meat’ or just eat good food, whether that’s meat or vegetables or things that are seasonal, is entirely what we were doing when I was five years old. But a completely different mindset. We’ve gone around to the whole tour of Loblaws and Metro and the farmer’s market and then realizing that what you eat, what you consume, is what you put out. But where that came from, the first five to twelve years of my life, you had fish, you knew who caught it. You had meat, you knew who butchered it. It wasn’t because it was en vogue or a luxury. It was because that’s what you had.

FOOD SNOBBERY: YES, IT’S A CLASS ISSUE

MEDLEY

Speaking of cheap and fast and easy ... When I was reading your book, not that you didn’t touch on it enough, but I was interested in your take on it. Fast food’s place in American culture. Because, I mean, that seems to be the table that most people sit at when they’re eating.

GOPNIK

It’s sort of like the Inuit’s in winter. I recognize that. But it’s not something I have a lot of expertise about.

MEDLEY

You don’t go to Burger King often?

GOPNIK

It’s actually very funny because I’m a terrible food snob. In the states I took the kids to watch the ingredients coming into McDonald’s once, where they roll the canisters in.

LOUREIRO

That’ll do it.

GOPNIK

And it did.

MINTZ

How old were they when they did that?

GALLOWAY

That’s a great idea.

MINTZ

Luca was seven. So the baby was two.

MEDLEY

And did it do it? Did it accomplish … ?

GOPNIK

Oh, totally. They never …

MINTZ

What time of day?

GOPNIK

There was a McDonald’s on 3^rd avenue and 84^th street. It was probably 11 in the morning or earlier. It was probably 8:30 in the morning. Because we used to go out together for breakfast.

I didn’t want this book to be encyclopedic in any way. That’s the thing about being an essayist. You have the freedom and limitations of your own idiosyncrasies. It’s a big issue. But it’s not one that I feel … my favourite comment was, I asked Alice Waters once, what would you do if your daughter invited you to McDonald’s. ‘I would tell her, she’s free to do that if she wishes. But I would prefer not to be involved in that kind of activity.’ And that sort of sums up my feelings about it.

MINTZ

But she’s an active, political figure.

GOPNIK

Alice is. Yes. Absolutely.

GALLOWAY

Do you worry though, even if you’re not active in that, that it … I mean, people talk a lot about hierarchy in food and the stratification between what people can eat, what people will eat, why people gravitate to those sorts of things. And if you say, ‘That’s not an activity that I want to participate in’, that that dismisses 99 percent for lack of a better term, that large swath who rely on that, who eat in their cars, who eat at their desks when they’re at work, etc.

GOPNIK

Y’know, if you’ll forgive me the arrogance, I’m not responsible. I’m not a journalist in that sense.

GALLOWAY

But for somebody who loves food, who wants people to talk about sitting around the table, eating, and not just your own table, but how people eat and the power of food, what food can do to create …

GOPNIK

Here’s the problem. If you lecture people, ‘Don’t go to McDonald’s’, it seems snobbish and exterior. It’s not one of the things I’m compelled to do. I recognize that, for enormous numbers of people, that’s the best decision they can make, for themselves and for their kids. It’s the most economical, it’s the most available decision they can make. And far be it for me to ever criticize that. So telling people that that’s a bad decision, in a way strikes me as being deeply unempathetic with the actual situations that people find themselves in. I’m not putting this very well. But I just feel, writing for me isn’t about balance or comprehensiveness. It’s about obsessivness. I know that sounds terribly … arrogant. But I’ll live with it. I can’t deal with everything that’s out there.

GALLOWAY

Outside of your writing, as a human being, do you … not, appreciate why people would …

GOPNIK

I understand …

GALLOWAY

… or recognize …

GOPNIK

It’s one reason, Matt, why there’s a minimal evangelizing about the virtues of the family table in the book. It’s asserted. It’s not evangelized. Because I recognize, for most people, it’s terribly difficult to do. If you have two people working two jobs, it’s really hard to do. God forbid I would lecture people about it.

GALLOWAY

And there are people who do. The Michael Pollens of the world.

GOPNIK

Exactly. And I don’t like that.

GALLOWAY

That’s fine.

MINTZ

Stephen Colbert concluded his interview with Pollen by saying, ‘Michael, it’s always a treat to have you come and lecture me.’

GOPNIK

I don’t want to lecture people about the right way to eat because I don’t think there is a right way to eat. But as a citizen I think that stuff is awful and I wish we could get rid of it. But as a human being I recognize that people don’t have a lot of choices very often. So trying to bully them is not a productive … and I also recognize that there is no right way to eat. That’s a fundamental truth and I hope that’s one of the truths that’s present in the book. And that is that tastes change all the time. The one thing we can say for certain is, whatever we think is the right way to eat today will not be the right way to eat 50 years from now. Unless history is stopped completely, we know that for certain, that our tastes will have changed as radically 50 years from now, as they have in the previous 50 years. That doesn’t mean that they’re meaningless. And forgive me, Matt, but you’ve pressed the … I talked about Francis Coppola’s internal monologue … You could walk away at this point. It doesn’t mean that those things are meaningless. On the contrary, they’re hugely meaningful. But they’re meaningful, essentially, as symbolic assertions, of the values we hold. This is a fantastic dinner, right? The food was great. But more than that, it was the pleasure of these people around here. And it wasn’t because we were having french food, or more important because we were having cassoulet. It was because Corey took that trouble to soak his beans and to make his duck confit. That’s a symbolic expression of Corey’s commitment to the significance of food. And it could have been a number of other dishes too.

MINTZ

There were a few other things on the list.

GOPNIK

That’s why we’re moved by it. It’s not because it’s the right way to eat. It’s because we understand that’s a symbolic statement of the value that food had to him and also the value that our company had. And that will never change. No matter what it is that you’re putting on the table.

GALLOWAY

I’m almost surprised by the fact … I said, on the air, foolishly, once, that I’d never take my kids to McDonald’s. They’d never been to McDonald’s before. The rage that I got back, saying, ‘How dare you say that? I go to McDonald’s and it doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate food as much as you do that you cook in your fancy …’ They thing I live in Rosedale. It was amazing the anger and the passion that people had in responding to that. I just thought, my kids have never been to McDonals’s. They could care less.

GOPNIK

They have something better to eat.

MINTZ

I had never been to McDonald’s. And I was raised by a single dad. We lived in an apartment but we never went to McDonald’s.

MEDLEY

You’ve been though.

GALLOWAY

I never had any sense that they would feel as defensive, and it’s not about class, but that’s how we choose to …

MINTZ

First of all, it’s very much about class.

GALLOWAY

Well it is and it isn’t. But my comment was not about class. My comment was just about food. We were talking about the garden and cooking and somehow it ended up talking about McDonald’s.

GOPNIK

Class is a mutable subject in our society, right? My grandfather was a butcher. Bless his memory, he was illiterate. So it wasn’t as though he had hoity-toity taste. That was the background I grew up against. I don’t ever want to be in the position, and this is something I feel very strongly about, because I have enough historical consciousness to know, that one of the features of food is that our tastes change all the time. So I never want to be in the position of being dictatorial about the right way to eat or the wrong way to eat. Instead I want to try to analyze why do we take pleasure in eating like this or any other kind of eating. And if somebody finds that pleasure in McDonald’s, I think it’s bad for their health and it’s bad for the planet and I would never take my kids there. But I would never want to be in the position of being anybody’s taste dictator. And I wouldn’t want to be in the position of being anybody’s taste dictator when it came to poetry or writing. I have my own values and I believe in those values. They’re not things I hold trivially. But I hope I have enough detachment to know that they’re the typical values of people of my class and taste and kind and they’re going to change as does the values of every other class.

Part A: Gladwell & The Inner Monologue

Date of publication: Saturday, December 10th, 2011