HOW TO BE A CHRISTMAS PARTY GUEST

Whether meeting a spouse’s horrible family or visiting some horrible country, a good guest is always on their best behaviour. Micro or macro, a guest is a guest, never revealing the contempt hidden behind a thin veil of civility.

In December, guesting and hosting reaches critical mass. Between personal and professional commitments, even the most extroverted of us can yearn for that bleak, commitment-free stretch of winter between New Year’s Eve and Hitler’s birthday.

Here are some tips for not merely surviving, but triumphing over, the Christmas party gauntlet.

1. HONOUR YOUR COMMITMENTS

If you said you’d be somewhere, be there. “I had too much fun at another party last night,” is a terrible, insulting excuse for being a no-show at tonight’s jam.

2. ARRIVE LATE, LEAVE EARLY

Easier said than done. A common party timeline (required for Facebook invitations) is 8 p.m. until 2 a.m. Cheeky hosts will list the end time as 5 p.m. the next day. But really, unless this is an opium den staff party, who are we kidding? If you show up at 9:30, the crowd will be just thin enough that you’ll get some attention/recognition from the host. Leave by 11. In those 90 minutes, during which you could have watched any Woody Allen movie, you’ve talked to all your pals. And you don’t need to talk to new people because they are the worst.

A little music to put you in the mood.

3. BRING A GIFT

The next time it seems too laborious to schlep wine to a dinner party, remember that in Japan, the cycle of gift-giving is so severe that if you return from a trip to Hokkaido without fake-milk flavoured cookies for your co-workers, you will never get a promotion.

You needn’t spend too much. A gift for the host can be anything — wine, flowers, fruit, a book, a card, a friendship bracelet, unscented candles, herbs from your garden, a jar of Nutella (hint hint), guajillo chilies — but you can’t show up empty handed. Because you are an adult.

4. DON’T BE A DRUNK

Tipsy people are hilarious. Drunk people are sad accidents waiting to happen. The act of drinking confounds attempts to plan ahead and be in control. But try to remember what your eighth-grade health teacher taught you about the difference between three, four and five alcoholic beverages. If it’s a two-party night, pace yourself. You are not Wolverine. Your healing factor will not absorb the booze. If you are breaking things, if people are avoiding eye contact with you, if you have cause to question, “Am I wasted?” you are. Leave.

BONUS POINT: If you are under 25, no one takes you seriously yet. You can show up hammered.

5. BE AWESOME

Being awesome isn’t defined by dressing well, having an interesting job or telling funny stories. It’s certainly not being a loudmouth (see #6). Other awesome qualities include: being a good listener, getting people drinks or food, firm but not too-firm handshakes, redirecting questions to quieter, shy people to engage them in the conversation, name-rememberfication, making introductions.

BONUS POINT: Beware of introductions to anyone billed as “just like you.” You will hate them.

6. DON’T BE A BORE

For a compendium of bores, track down Russell Lynes’ 1951 book Guests. “We select our friends because they are not bores,” he sums it up, “or, to put it another way, because they do not think we are bores.” Simply put: listen. Do not be obtuse. Do not make everything about yourself. Do not view conversation as a competition.

BONUS ANTI-BORE POINTS: Other nuggets of Lynes’ wisdom are: never sit down on a sofa and, if you are interrupted during a story, never finish unless you’re asked to. These are simple to grasp, difficult to master.

7. HANDLE YOUR PHONE AS MUCH AS YOU WOULD YOUR PENIS

Talking or texting on your phone, while standing in a cluster of three, is rude. It draws from the finite amount of social energy, like lighting a cigarette while trapped in a bank vault. Take your private communications somewhere private. Like a cigarette, it’s also the only excuse you need to escape one social situation, to find another.

BONUS POINT: Set your phone to push email or Twitter notifications every five minutes and have a loud, ostentatious ring. “Oh, my friend is outside and can’t find the entrance,” you say to the faux-text as you make your escape.

8. THE CAMEO

How great was Condoleeza Rice on 30 Rock? Proof that even someone as spectacularly unfunny as Rice can leave a strong impression, when limited to one minute, twenty-three seconds. You can be that great—by only being in one scene. Show up at midnight, when the room is “at capacity”. Hand your coat to some stranger like he’s your servant. Let your host pour you a drink. Catch up for the time it takes you to casually sip it, look at your watch and declare, “Man, I’ve got to be going. I didn’t really have time to be here and I’m so sorry to drink and dash but I really did want to see you.” Get in and out in five minutes and leave them wanting more.

9. THE FRENCH LEAVE

If you know a lot of people in a room, you could spend half the night saying hello and the other half saying goodbye. Or you could master the French Leave and spend all your time with the people you like best. When you’re ready to split, say goodbye to the person you’re talking to and no one else. Just grab your coat and ninja your way out the door. Done well, your friends will ask, “Hey, did Awesome Gal leave?” They’ll be thinking that they should get going as well.

BONUS POINT: Class it up by texting the host. Sample: “You were so engrossed in conversation, I didn’t want to interrupt you. Had a swell time. Obvs. Thanks. Smiley-face emoticon.”

EXTRA BONUS POINT: The ultimate achievement in leavery is to not show up at all. For important acquaintances, this means sending a thoughtful email or a gift, before the party. “Sorry I can’t make it,” you say as you hand them a bottle of Tawse Riesling (if they’re good friends) or Cono Sur Chardonnay (if they’re not), “have a drink on me.” You’ve reclaimed a valuable December evening and invested friendship capital, for less than the price of minimum wage. Now you are free to sit at home, drink alone, watch Scrooged and shout at the screen, “I’m with you, Bill Murray. Who needs people?”

10. YOU CAN’T SLEEP HERE

If you find yourself at the party after nearly everyone has gone home, you are either best friends with the host, or you are about to get it on with them. If you are one of these, enjoy sweeping or shagging. Of you are not, you need to have left a long time ago. Don’t be that guy. The party is a hit if it goes late. But if you see the host scrubbing dishes, you’ve overstayed your welcome. Go home. Tomorrow is your office Christmas party.

Special thanks to Sarah Nicole Prickett, without whom I wouldn't have written this.